discouragement

I am not sure what to say. I'm a little in shock.

I went to CalArts today to visit the campus. I met with one of the costume profs. I don't even know where to begin in describing how awful this was for me. First off, she asks me why I like theatre. Uuuuuhh, right. So I give her my answer, it's the creating something out of almost nothing and calling it "mine." Nope, not what she wants to hear. Why do I like theatre? WTF? I thought I gave a perfectly reasonable answer! So then she tears apart my portfolio - my figure drawing is flat, I don't know how to draw or create something that communicates well. She filled my head with so many criticisms that I sat there completely dumbfounded and unsure of how to answer any question with clarity. Then she goes off on how she wants to see more of my fine art, because she sees potential in my fine art drawings (that's good right?), but she thinks it's really bad that I don't have any training in figure drawing, and that I need to go home, draw every day for two hours, copy the masters, and come back with a better portfolio. She gave me back my portfolio and told me to do it over! I didn't get to talk about my designs at all. That's the stellar part of my portfolio though! When I tell you about my ideas and how they are shown in my drawings and the finished product, I can really wow ya, but...nothing. She didn't even want to hear about that, apparently.

I came out of that meeting feeling humiliated, stupid, ignorant, uneducated, inexperienced, and lacking anything in the way of "artistic."

This does not encourage me to continue with my applications. I do want to do costume design, but at the same time I want to be apart of something purposeful and more than just entertainment. It really doesn't help that I've been questioning lately whether this costume design thing is really what I want to do. I have to do art, I have to do theatre. I want to do more than just design clothes. I want to dance, I want to write, I want to act! Oh, how I want to act. I'm a liberal arts woman of theatre. I want to do it all.

In other news, I got drunk for the first time Saturday night. I'm never doing that again, that's for sure. And I'm not going to mix my own drinks unless I have someone/somebook that tells me the right formula.