26 February 2009



I am in shock. I was not expecting this at all.
And when she said I was accepted, all I said was "oh."

25 February 2009


Just a heads up - I started a blog to post about everything happening in regards to my trip to Northern Ireland. I'm volunteering at the Corrymeela Community in May and June this year. And if you would like to donate any money, I am fundraising for the trip. Every little bit will make a difference.

24 February 2009


I guess that if you want to go with a yin-yang worldview that there are bad things that go with the good things and vice versa. Even though there were many good things that had happened yesterday, it ended very very badly. My stomach performed some really impressive gastronomical pyrotechnics. I was up about every half hour last night, throwing up absolutely nothing even though my stomach thought something was there. I'm really grateful to God that at least today I can stomach crackers, 7-up, and half a cup of noodle soup. I am also very very grateful that I have a mother who doesn't bat an eye at all this and has taken care of me so well. I can't imagine what it would be like to live alone and go through all this.

I'm just a little nervous because I've been trying to contact the costume designer at CalArts with whom I am supposed to interview with tomorrow. I've called her and emailed her. I need to move my interview to later. All I need is a day. There is no way I have the energy to finish up my portfolio tonight or the ability to drive out there early tomorrow morning.

23 February 2009

two things

My heart was simply lifted of turmoil within 15 minutes and two phone calls.

1) I called NYU to cancel my appointment for my design interview. I explained that I could not fly to New York for financial reasons and she was very concerned about this. However, instead of simply withdrawing my application, she is going to try to work it out that I can mail my portfolio instead. I know that my chances of getting into a school like NYU are not incredibly high especially if the faculty is not going to meet me in person, but the kindness that the woman I spoke to showed me in understanding my situation really impressed me.

2) I used to see a chiropractor when I lived in Santa Barbara, however, when my insurance changed I could no longer afford to continue going. I called him today to see how much he would charge me for a visit and he quoted me at $35. $35!! I am so so grateful! I have never been shown so much care and respect by a physician than this man and he's only going to charge me $35. I have to pay a $20 co-pay just when I see a regular doctor. I'm going to see him this week when I come to see Mueveme Muevete. When I got off the phone with him, I started crying out of sheer relief because there's hope that this sciatic pain is not going to last forever even though it's felt as though it is going to. This Friday, it will have been a month. I'm ready for my foot to stop being numb 24/7. I know that he probably will not be able to cure me with one visit but I think that at least one visit will help.

EDIT: There's a third thing! Woo hoo!!

3) The dad of the couple I babysat for in high school needs someone at his law firm to do scanning work for all their paperwork. They are working on converting everything electronically. And I told them that I wasn't getting enough hours at work, sooooo I've got a second job! The secretary at his office called me today and I'll be going in tomorrow! It's going to be horribly horribly boring but I'm super stoked because I need the money quite badly. This is truly an answer to prayer! Thank you, God!

22 February 2009

: O

I'm in shock right now.

My mom just told me what happened to my cousin. If you read this blog, please pray for her.

Basically, my cousin got involved with this guy she met online. He's 25 and she's 21. She met up with him in December, met her parents and all that, but the parents weren't so pleased because apparently he has a police record. As does his father. My cousin has lived in a strict family environment pretty much her whole life and also has issues with abandonment because she was adopted and doesn't understand why her birth mother didn't want her. I don't blame her because my aunt is a very cold hearted woman. Getting "rejected" by your birth mother only to have your adopted one be less than kind is not ideal.

Anyway, my cousin ran away with this guy last night. They went to Arizona. She has no money. She has no cell phone. She has no car. Because my aunt and uncle took them away because she wouldn't stop talking to this guy. The only communication she's had with the family since she left last night is a couple of text messages to her younger brother saying that she loves them and will visit them "someday."

The part that saddens me is that she has no idea how in over her head she is. She is so very much at risk for a domestic violence kind of situation. I've watched her spend so much of her life in a silent desperation for love. Because of her family situation, she doesn't experience it much. How I wish I could turn back time and love her so much more than I did. She has a sister and three brothers. The three oldest siblings are all married with kids. The sister and one sister-in-law spend a lot of time together and I know that they do everything they can to show my cousin that she is loved. How I wish that she would realize that her value and worth does not come from this guy. Her value is in God as his creation. NO MATTER WHAT. Who cares about the bad parents, she is loved by God. Oh, it hurts. I know it hurts because of my own father and the bad decisions he has made. My heart aches for her. She has so much beauty and so much potential and she left it all behind for a guy.

Right now, the only thing to do is pray. Please pray for her. My hope is that she will return soon, realizing the mistake of running away with a guy. I wish she would have run away to a brother or sister's house instead. That would have been better. They would have welcomed her and taken care of her and helped her find her independence without relying on a false love. She needed to get away from the cold hearted house she lived in, but she could destroy herself in this situation.

20 February 2009

I want to dance

Shake It Up Dance Studio offers the best prices here in town.

$65/hr for private lessons

Truth be told, I need private lessons. I went to a couple of weeks of a group lesson a few months ago. It was Intermediate Lindy and I was so incredibly bored. I knew basically everything they taught. They don't teach advanced group classes. The nice thing about the group lessons is that they are $50/6 week class.

I want to dance. I want to improve upon my Lindy and East Coast. I want to learn West Coast. AND I want to tango. I really want to learn to how to tango. Like everything there is to know about the tango. I think that would be just about the coolest thing ever. I've got the Waltz and Foxtrot down, so the ballroom basics give me a great starting place.

19 February 2009

things that are good

Talking with people
Knowing someone is praying for you
Regaining hope
Regaining perspective
Feeling a little less pain, a little less numb
Letting go
Trusting in Someone Bigger than you

trying not to freak out over my grad school interview next week.

This passage completely convicted me this week:
This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 3:10, 16-20 NIV, emphasis mine

16 February 2009

one year ago

I was in major post-production blues for As You Like It.
I decided I wanted to be a costume designer.
Zak convinced me to design 43 costumes.
I was singing Kelly Clarkson's "Maybe" at the top of my lungs while driving in my car.
I was so in love it hurt.
I was painting the walls of Anon(ymous).
I listened to Natasha Bedingfield tell me "the rest is still unwritten."
I was microwaving leftovers in the copy room.
I had fun doing Suzuki walks in Acting II.
I learned about Alexander Technique.
I smiled and laughed in Elizabeth's class.
I was desperate to revisit England Semester.
I made food for twenty people and was happy.
I laughed the hardest I ever have in my life from telephone pictionary.
I made a fool of myself. Several times.

How time moves so quickly yet so slowly, I will never begin to understand this.

15 February 2009

television might eat our brains

Today I have watched:

3 movies and 1/2 of two separate movies.
1 episode of Extreme Home Makeover

This mean I have spent approx. 9 hours of my life on a couch or on the floor (because of my sciatica) just today.

And it's now after 10pm and I'm still awake trying to think of something to do besides working on my portfolios and the only thing I could think of was to either watch The Empire Strikes Back (seriously, cannot get enough of Han Solo) or watch a movie on Hulu.


(I decided to clean my room, because my life is really that pathetic)

after midnight

Tonight as I drove home from work the moon rose over the Redlands skyline. The smog gave it a yellowish glow and the hazy clouds spread the light in interesting patterns against the dark sky. It was beautiful. I like the night.

Today was frustrating. I hardly thought at all about how I don't have anyone to celebrate V-Day with. Rather, my heart broke for the lack of friendship in my life. I just want people to talk to, hugs to give, love to exchange. But...nothing. Alone. I have my mom, but it's not the same. The only social life I have exists at work (which lacks much) and the internet (which lacks just as much). This is not the kind of life I want. I need people. Talking to God only alleviates the pain temporarily. Going to Santa Barbara and spending time with people there, fills my heart again, but as soon as I leave, it's gone again. So all this considered with my sciatica/leg pain that's been going on this week, I've lacked the motivation to do anything about my grad school applications.

I have found that it is very difficult for my to reach out and hold on to God when I do not have friends around me. The only time I ever feel connected to God without loved ones around is when I go for a walk by myself on the beach. I know that solitude is good, but so is community. I cannot have one without the other and stay sane for very long.

I've been praying for God to help me find my community for months now it seems. Nothing seems to change.

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster.
She just needs someone to take her home.

12 February 2009

a solution

It would seem that sophomore year has served me well.

Since I've been quite stuck on this play business and trying to find a way to fix some of the holes in the narrative, I decided to stick to the advice that John Wilder gave me three years ago: step outline.

A step outline is where you break down your story scene by scene, moment by moment, so that way when you go to write the story will flow freely and orderly. I did not do this the first time around with this script, which is probably why the holes exist. So I spent about an hour writing the step outline for the play. Having a summarized whole in front of me helped me see what needed filling. I then spent another hour making notes and writing outlines for scenes that could be added and giving more complications to the story. I think I fixed it. I think it will work. Now I just need to add some more fantastical scenes and it will be spectacular.

This is one messed up love triangle like none I've ever witnessed before.

I've been considering writing a post dedicated to the dreaded holiday coming up on Saturday. We'll see if I'm in an emotional enough mood between now and then to really do what I've been thinking. I work 4pm to midnight that day, so I guess I have an excuse to say that I have plans. Bleh.

10 February 2009

Love Me Dead

Right, so, Elizabeth sent me her critique of my play back. And she had some good things to say and there are some serious holes that I need to deal with.

One of these is the love story. She said that they jump from not in love to in love too quickly and adding in a scene or two would be helpful.

The only problem is that I've been in love a few times. No one has ever loved me back. I don't even know where to start on finding that kind of scene. What happens between knowing you love someone and then knowing the other person loves you too? How do I write something that I've never known before? Jane Austen did it several times, but she left it up to the audience's imagination to decide what was said or not said. And it works because it's a novel, but this is a play.

Yeah, I'm lost.

06 February 2009


I don't think I've ever felt this much pain before. I want to rip out my sciatic nerve and throw it in the trash. I can barely walk.

05 February 2009

kindness of friends, love of God

Terribly sorry to anyone who has missed me either on here or in comments. My life got much more interesting this last week in the form of Santa Barbara, President's Ball and a mischievous puppy. Said puppy is Tyler's dog, who chewed through my power cable, leaving me semi-computer less until the one I purchased from eBay finds it's way through the circuits of the postal service and into my arms. This also means that I cannot finish my grad school apps b/c my essays are on my dead computer and I can't plan my trip to the East Coast until I apply and set up an interview with Boston U, which means I can't request work off yet. The only thing I can do is write my fundraising letter for my Ireland trip.

I confess, I do like the break from worrying about grad school things. Once you accept that you are completely powerless to change something, it's almost freeing. Maybe God was giving me a gift of freeing me from worry for a few days. Why can I not do this with everything else in my life?

I ruined my back while in Santa Barbara. I went for a run on the beach and ran too much. Now my sciatic nerve is causing hell and my butt muscles rarely stop their spasmatic rhythms. Stretching, ice packs, heating pads, pain killers, they help. But then when you wake up in the morning, you have to start all over again because sleeping makes it worse.

Sunday I had had lunch with Elizabeth, one of my favorite people in the whole world! We talked about my play, what works well, what doesn't work well. We talked about life and grad school and our first theatre roles, the awful children who taunted us in elementary school. We talked about other things too that gave me things to think about and a spark of that unrelenting power of hope. However, this particular spark is not worth dwelling on, for it is another thing I cannot control.

Back to the dog - when I told Tyler's parents that their cute little dog chewed my power cable, they immediately offered to buy it for me and when I told them that the nearest Apple store was in Thousand Oaks, they gave me moeny and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so blown away my their kindness. They have always been so generous and hospitable to me. I'm not used to it. I'm used to being the one to give that to other people. I think God is teaching me how to accept kindness. I think he's trying to show me that I don't have to be bitter and cynical against the whole human race as a selfish and ungrateful people and by showing me that, he wants me to see that his Love is a gazillion times bigger than that.

Another thing relating to this was going to President's Ball. I asked Tyler to ride along with him to campus. He commented at some point that night before we picked up the girls, that he thought it was funny because now he was taking three girls to the dance when he initially asked one. I pointed out that he was in fact not taking me, he was just giving me a ride. He then went on a rant about how people make the whole date to a dance thing too big of a deal, when it's just about having fun and enjoying the company of others. I agreed with him, but I did not say so. Because I didn't know what to say. After some reflection I understood it to be relating to this same problem of letting other people love me. To me, saying that he was taking me to the dance, that meant something...something in the way that I was more important than a shadow following him into a dance, more than a graduated resemblance of a person who once sang, danced, prayed, cried in that Gym, more than just along for the ride. I mattered as a person and his friend. I didn't say anything at the time because the emotion was too strong to understand. I want to be able to let grace, mercy, and kindness in from others, but I'm so afraid. I'm so used to taking my battle stance and fighting my demons on my own.

So there's a nice long post for you.