01 July 2008

introverts and extroverts

I am a die hard extrovert. I need people. Simple as that. I get sad and depressed when I'm alone for too long. All I really need is a conversation and a hug and I am a happy girl.

And then I wonder why all my friends are introverts. Nearly everyone I know or am close to are introverted. It makes my life a little difficult at times because I want friends all the time and they want friends about half time. And then there's the whole "sharing your life with people" part. I classify myself as a fairly open and honest person. I like to and need to share my inner thoughts with other people and hope that they do the same with me. When other people don't share with me, and then I find out about their lives second hand, it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder why they wouldn't trust me. Or if I was as important to them as they are to me.

I think that I reacted more personally to this when I was in high school, yet I'm still learning to navigate these sort of waters. It's still hard to know what to do. I feel like what has worked best, in the survival sort of sense, is to let it roll off my back and just keep going. If I bitch and complain, it doesn't get me anywhere because it just makes other people want to run away from me. So I sit tight and hold my tongue and hope that maybe a few more years worth of friendship will bring more open hearts to mine. I must love others before I expect any love from them in return.

In other news: I spent three weeks in Israel and I'm really glad to be back, though I will miss the friendships from the trip. Also, my job that was secure for July and August looks a little less steady. I'm kind of scared about what will happen.
To be perfectly honest, I'm completely miserable right now. I have so many unresolved things in my life right now. I feel like there is so much to me that people don't know or don't see. There are so many things that just randomly pop in my head that I would love to share with someone else, but there is no one here.

Now when I say "no one is here" the first thought that comes into my head is that I'm not alone because God is always with me. That thought is comforting to a point. Because sometimes. Sometimes talking to God feels like I'm talking to myself.