22 December 2008

sigh

Dora is so flippin' insecure sometimes! It makes me want to kill myself. No, no, noo. Kill HER.

Now go read QC because it's fantastic.

19 December 2008

hmmm, well

I like friends.
I like Santa Barbara.

It's not so easy to let go. So just listen to the Christmas music.



Reflection is not easy either. There's a need to think, not more, but better, and say less. Mystery is nice. That's why poetry exists.



Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night :)

18 December 2008

he can't! he mustn't! he SHAN'T!


30 November 2008

Gerard Manley Hopkins

Trees by their yield
Are known; but I --
My sap is sealed,
My root is dry.
If life within
I none can shew
(Except for sin),
Nor fruit above, --
It must be so --
I do not love.


Will no one show
I argued ill?
Because, although
Self-sentenced, still
I keep my trust.
If He would prove
And search me through
Would He not find and
(What yet there must
Be hid behind

sometimes...

...it's just easier to answer "fine" " alright" "pretty good" "OK"

but sometimes it's really hard to say those words. Especially when you give that answer to the people you want to talk to the most. But they're so far away, that sometimes you just wonder: What's the point?

I've been "fine" " alright" "pretty good" "OK" for a couple of months now. I was doing really really well, actually, before September 12th.

A couple days ago I was listening to a playlist on my iPod. Tyrone Wells' song "What Are We Fighting For?" came on. There's a refrain near the end of the song that goes like this:
"I have a dream
One day we'll see
All men be free
I still believe"

I teared up with those words. Because they were words of hope, instead of "don't do this, don't act like this, this is wrong, this is right." It reminded me of who I really am and not this shell of a person who's living this life that I have.

27 November 2008

here I am, save me

I think that Westmont should have one more GE requirement. Yes, I do mean one more.

It should be a class you take your final semester. It should be something about transitions and changes. It should be about how to deal with leaving the comforting community that Westmont gives you. It should be about how to process everything you've learned and not lose what you love. It would be a seminar, guided by the group dynamic more than a set curriculum.

Except, it would probably never work. Because then Westmont would be babysitting the students too much.

I just wish that I had some sort of skills to figure out why this transition period of my life is the way it is.

Thanksgiving. Today, I feel thankful for the rain.

11 November 2008

bloggy mcbloggerton the third

This last week I went to Santa Barbara for a few days to do some work on my show. I drove home around noon. There's a stretch of the 101 South that goes right along the water's edge. It's so close that when the wind is right, the waves splash a mist across the windshield. With clear skies and the sun high, the ocean was bluer than bluer and it sparkled like there were a billion diamonds floating on top of the water. It's moments like those that I really miss living near the ocean.

I spent about three hours on Olivia's dress today. Yesterday I spent probably just as many hours measuring and cutting and making sure it was just right. As I was putting it all together today, I realized I probably made it too big. Better to be too big than too small right? Because then you don't have to take the scissors to it while the actor is wearing it...like you do...
no, no of course not! I have never done that before!!

And here I am resorting to talking to myself. On a blog. sigh

All I can say is that it's going to be one hellava tech week next week. I have so much to do. Oh, and my back. I did something work to it at work last week and now it is painful to sit, stand, and walk.

This evening, I also spent some time with my grandmother, setting up her new DSL internet and showing her how to use a computer. I found it fascinating to see this beloved 81 year old spunky woman try to remember how to type. One of her many jobs over her lifetime was some secretarial work, yet she had to reintroduce herself to Qwerty. "Golly!" she said, "they've got everything here!" Yes, Grandma, they have everything and more on the internets. More than you could imagine. Drunk squirrels, Billy Graham, Charlie bit me, WebMD, and even Barack Roll'd.

Prince's song "Kiss" is really fantastic. I hate 80's music, but I really love this song.







I miss my friends.

03 November 2008

yet again

I was checking out one of my favorite websites: personalitypage.com and stumbled across something I hadn't seen before! A kid's section. I am very excited about this because when I looked at my type's child version, the EFJ, I read through the strengths and weaknesses and it basically told me exactly what I was like as a kid. Every single description was spot on. This only makes me love MBTI even more. I find personality psychology to be one of the most fascinating things.

Something I've been wanting to look more into is MBTI across cultures. Is MBTI still applicable in a non-Western society?

You know, I should blog about MBTI more often. I don't talk about it as often as I think about it because I'm never sure how interested other people are on this subject, but there's really no one to object when it's on the internet and not very many people know this blog exists in the first place.

I spent a couple hours at Coffee Bean today and I have this crazy surge of energy because I haven't had caffeine in at least 3 weeks and I had a tea latte.

There was this guy who called the house urging me to vote for McCain. I told him I already sent in my absentee ballot and that I voted for Obama. He asked me why and we spent the next 5-10 minutes debating it. He was surprised when I said "yes" to his question of "are you a born-again Christian?" Honestly, I didn't want to say yes because I don't like that phrase of "born-again Christian." It's too loaded.

25 October 2008

whasssuuuuup

portfolio-ing

"Examples of work in theatre and/or film such as sketches, models, photographs of models, production photographs, rough sketches, light plots, blue prints of drafting, etc. (no slides or CDs, please). These do not have to be from realized production work.

Applicants in the area of costume design must include sketches for at least one script (15 minimum), including research, fabric swatches, and detail drawings, as well as five examples of figure drawing.

Include samples of your art work, such as drawings, paintings, models, sculptures, etc., or photographs of such art work (no slides or CDs, please)."


wtf is that supposed to mean?
15 minimum? Is that 15 sketches and only 5 designs? Do they want the full research to production photos lineup? So how much is supposed to be just prep work designing and fully realized? WHAT'S GOING ON??

21 October 2008

i love swing dancing

moving forward or returning to the old?

Confession: I've been masquerading for quite some time now. As much as I've tried to deny it, I am a complete hopeless romantic.

As much as I've had to say against the institution of marriage, as much as I point out gender politics in pretty much every situation I see, as much as I've told people that I don't hope for marriage because who can even predict what the future is, I'm a hopeless romantic.

The thing I want most in life is to be loved. I've come to terms with this instead of fighting it. The thing that helped me come to terms with this was, ironically, a personality typing system known as an Enneagram. It had this list of things like best characteristics, worst characteristics, what the type wants in life, etc. It said my greatest desire in life was to be loved. It took some thinking, but I have to admit it's true. I base almost all of my decisions on the people around me or ones that I hope to keep near me.

This summer one of my friends pointed out to me that if I am ever misinterpreted as "intimidating" by men it is because I have a "poise" and a "formalism" to my behavior. I've also gained a nickname-like description of "fierce" by another one of my friends as in the definition by UrbanDictionay.com of "being bold, displaying chutzpah, especially relating to fashion, clothes, hair or makeup."

Such assessments, especially the one about poise and formality, have stuck with me. I don't think they are necessarily faults, but what catches me is that it's helpful to explain why I have the relationships I do.

And then there's always the situation with my dad. Any contact with him has the chance to throw my ideas and emotions around like getting tossed on the sea in a hurricane. My emotions have a tendency to be rather violent. When I say "violent," I mean in the old school definition of being very strong and passionate, not in the dangerous sense of the word. Though I suppose they can be dangerous to my own peace of mind. My constant struggle is wanting to give in to my emotions and let them out and show the world who I truly am. But, that would make things incredibly awkward for other people. So I don't. They stir and brew until they simmer down or until they boil over, ready to explode.

The most dangerous part is when the emotions give way to thoughts that use the words:
"I wish..."
"If only...."

19 October 2008

chicago

Chicago is an amazing city filled with people and life! My desire to attend Northwestern University increased greatly after visiting the city, not because I was able to see the school but because I completely fell in love with the city. Whether I was by myself or with Matt and Daniel, I was having fun, discovering new things, enjoying all that the city had to offer. Rain or shine.


The art museum was very fun. It's large and contains much variety. Many exhibits were closed for renovation, but I still got the chance to see Nighthawks, Sunday in the Park, and American Gothic. Renoir was not on display, but there was one painting by Rosetti. I love art. There's something about the practice of something so diligent. Discovering new realities in a paintbrush and sharing them with people. A chisel mark here or there in a piece of rock can become something beautiful. Something that triggers ideas and emotions in your soul that you didn't know existed. Or maybe you knew they existed, but they only like to show themselves on special occasions.

Millenium Park is full of mystery and wonder. The sculpture make you look at the world differently. Fran Gehry masters the view, faces spout water, people take pictures. The rain came down that day, but it was beautiful. Rain can be quite beautiful. Light refracted through water droplets.

Adventure. An adventure has never ceased to be had in the great city of Chicago. Google Maps Transit helps. I found my hostel and checked in within half an hour with only Google and an address. Even though it was a little stressful, it was full of adventure and great fun.


The morning brought the Zoo. And with the Zoo was a tiger. You know, there are some moments in life where you feel more connected with the greater things, the meta-things, and watching that tiger was one of those moments for me. Strength, beauty, gentleness, mystery, magic, life. Tigers are beautiful creatures. They look like the same cats that stay indoors and nuzzle your neck and attack pieces of strings, but the sheer size difference is astounding.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a tiger handler. I had forgotten about that little piece of myself for years until that moment. I remember watching this show on TV when I was a kid about tiger handlers who raised little tiger kittens from the time they were born. And when they were grown, they were like best friends across species. They would run and play and tackle each other. I wanted to be that.

Matt and Katrina came to the city. We wandered and snarked and beached and drinked. The gorgeous views on a sunny day in Chicago from the Hancock Observatory's Signature Lounge. The couple making out on the shore of Lake Michigan. Trying on clothes at H&M. Then Jeff's apartment, Chicago-style pizza, a little bit of The Office, D-Ian at O'Hare, and the Green Mill.

The Green Mill Lounge. Started in 1907, it became Al Capone's territory in the 20's. Booze and jazz, hmmmm. I got the chance to dance with Jeff, Matt and Daniel, which made me incredibly happy. Dancing is another one of those things that just stirs my soul. Dancing close with a friend, finding the steps together, finding a spiritual connection in the physical act of dance :) I thoroughly enjoyed the music and the people and the atmosphere. It was exactly as I imagined a good jazz club to be like. Low lights, swing band, female vocalist, dance floor. If I lived in Chicago, I would want to go there every weekend and be a regular. Oh, I wish I had a picture of the bouncer. That guy was CRAZY looking with a handlebar mustache and everything.

The next day was full of happiness and sorrow. Happy because Matt, Daniel, and I spent our afternoon at Navy Pier and all of its touristy wonders. Sorrow because I had to leave this beloved city and my wonderful friends. Now the wonderful thing about Matt and Daniel is that they are the sort of friends that aren't bothered by physical touch or find it awkward. We spent most of the afternoon with arms around shoulders or linked or just staying close because of the cold. That kind of physical affection is what I need to make me happy.

Good friends, good drinks, good times.

Chicago, I hope to see you again soon.

08 October 2008

smile through your fear and sorrow

Diana made a list of a few songs that never cease to put a smile on her face. I decided that was a nice idea, so I'm doing it too :) This list is in no particular order.

Jet Are You Gonna Be My Girl?
Joss Stone Girl They Won't Believe It
Frank Sinatra Fly Me to the Moon
Cold War Kids Hang Me Up to Dry
Moderatto Sentimettal
Ella Fitzgerald Dream
The Little Mermaid Les Poissons
David Crowder Band You Are My Joy
Josh Schroeder Love Is

my life

is...
weird
stressful
crazy
ironically funny

15 September 2008

to love with Christ's love

I spent this last weekend with my father. It was difficult to say the least. I'm not sure how to process it because it's so complicated. Maybe blogging and explaining some logic to my emotions may help? Maybe? Here goes.

My dad divorced my mother. I don't like him much for splitting up my family. I think that I also have a lot of issues now with trusting anyone of the male sex because my father is such a bad example.

Now this last weekend was all about him trying. Trying to mend. Trying to spend time with his daughter. A reluctant daughter. I wonder, then, where was he trying to spend time with me when I was a girl? If he worked the night shift so he could be home with my sister and I after school, then why did he spend all his afternoons watching TV? Why did he give me more hugs? Why did I hide myself (my inner self) from him because I was scared he'd be angry at what he found?

Why, now, after the divorce, did he suddenly decide he's not going to own a TV? Why does he think he can hug me now? Why, when I show him my true self, is it met with silence? It's like he's trying to make up for lost time, but it's - to use a cliche - too little, too late. He doesn't know me. Did he ever know me?

After this weekend, I just don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, I don't want a relationship. We had a conversation/arguement Friday evening about God and religion and spent the rest of the weekend making small talk with about 80% silence. Usually when I debate things, I'm able to understand someone else's side even though I may not completely agree with them. I couldn't find a balance or compromise with him because I felt that his opinions were based on bad logic and ignorance. How can I respect that? How can I respect someone who has cause so much hurt, not just for me, but for my mom and sister? I've decided that I just don't like him as a person. His personality is completely opposite of mine and we don't share anything in common. If he was a random person I met, I would never choose to be his friend.

My question is: how do I love him with the love of Christ and not spend time with him? How can you agape love someone you don't like? Especially when this person is a blood relation?

Spending a weekend with him made me miss my friends like crazy. Those special people who I'm able to be myself entirely, without judgment, with love. Some are in England, some are going to England, others are CPAing the world. My adventures will begin soon.

Oh God,
"Give us grace to endeavour after a truly Christian Spirit to seek to attain that temper of forbearance and patience which our blessed Saviour has set us the highest example; and which while it prepares us for the spiritual happiness of the life to come, will secure to us the best enjoyment of what this world can give!
Incline us, oh God! to think humbly of ourselves, to be severe only in the examination of our own conduct, to consider our fellow-creatures with kindness, and to judge of all they say and do with that Charity which we would desire from them ourselves."
Jane Austen

08 September 2008

dearest freshness

Wood, dark scent and sweet. Cardinal carpets
explored by tiny hands and feet.
It's here, it's clear.
The sheets, the stairs, the bleats, the chairs.
that night
that year
of now done darkness

Did you find yourself?
Kind of self in those walls and halls? or where
green meets blue meets white meets bright?
I remember.
Will you remember me?

07 September 2008

different than what you expected

After seeing a fabulous reworked show of "CUTS" I went out for drinks with a few graduated theatre faces and had a wonderful time. We talked about all our previous adventures, current hopes, and many aspirations. One of the lovely ladies present asked me to help design "Twelfth Night" which she will be directing at the high school where she teaches drama. I'm so stoked because it proves that even though I've graduated and now I'm moving home, the adventure certainly is not over. I have more projects to do and things to accomplish between now and the fall of 2009.

I'm so excited.

29 August 2008

chick lit

Today, while I was at the bookstore, an ignorant freshman boy called Jane Eyre "just a chick book."

I was so appalled.
Damn gender stereotypes.

14 August 2008

Well, that's not what you said though...

I've decided that I really don't like it when people say, "Well, that's not what you said" when, in fact, you are quite confident of what you said. Especially when it's said with a condescending tone. Especially when that person has awful communication skills. Even more so when it's your boss and if you defend yourself, it's considered insubordination.

It makes me want to strangle a pillow. Or drop kick a puppy.

08 August 2008

What did you expect, a peaceful ride?

Love is like the ocean.

You take long walks on the beach. The sand snuggling in between your toes. The waves slink up on the shore, gentling kissing your feet. And if you listen carefully you might hear the voices of angels or a soft whisper of "I love you" float up from the waves.

And then there's the time when ignore the red flag or the yellow one with a big black dot in the middle and you go swimming anyway. The pull of the water is strong and you often feel like you'll fall on your ass. You're in there for so long that you start to feel a little confident. Everything seems fine until the next wave comes. And then another wave joins it. Enough power and force to sweep you off your feet. Or rather, sweep your own feet out from under you. Your body swirls under the surface encountering more power in one surge of water than you've ever known before. You close your eyes to the chaos and blow air out your nose as hard as you can. Despite the water's efforts, you stand. Despite your own efforts, the water still went up your nose, stinging nasal passages you didn't know existed.

Guess the ocean's just paying you back for all the times you peed in the water.

And yet.
And yet. You go back soon after. Touch toes to foam and make peace with that reckoning force.

01 July 2008

introverts and extroverts

I am a die hard extrovert. I need people. Simple as that. I get sad and depressed when I'm alone for too long. All I really need is a conversation and a hug and I am a happy girl.

And then I wonder why all my friends are introverts. Nearly everyone I know or am close to are introverted. It makes my life a little difficult at times because I want friends all the time and they want friends about half time. And then there's the whole "sharing your life with people" part. I classify myself as a fairly open and honest person. I like to and need to share my inner thoughts with other people and hope that they do the same with me. When other people don't share with me, and then I find out about their lives second hand, it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder why they wouldn't trust me. Or if I was as important to them as they are to me.

I think that I reacted more personally to this when I was in high school, yet I'm still learning to navigate these sort of waters. It's still hard to know what to do. I feel like what has worked best, in the survival sort of sense, is to let it roll off my back and just keep going. If I bitch and complain, it doesn't get me anywhere because it just makes other people want to run away from me. So I sit tight and hold my tongue and hope that maybe a few more years worth of friendship will bring more open hearts to mine. I must love others before I expect any love from them in return.

In other news: I spent three weeks in Israel and I'm really glad to be back, though I will miss the friendships from the trip. Also, my job that was secure for July and August looks a little less steady. I'm kind of scared about what will happen.
----------------------------
To be perfectly honest, I'm completely miserable right now. I have so many unresolved things in my life right now. I feel like there is so much to me that people don't know or don't see. There are so many things that just randomly pop in my head that I would love to share with someone else, but there is no one here.

Now when I say "no one is here" the first thought that comes into my head is that I'm not alone because God is always with me. That thought is comforting to a point. Because sometimes. Sometimes talking to God feels like I'm talking to myself.

16 May 2008

God is good

I just did all the maths on the babysitting jobs I have coming up and the after day care I'm working and I'm going to have enough money to pay my rent AND pay off my credit card bill! Hallelujah! God is good and he is taking care of me!

14 May 2008

evolutions in life and science

My life has changed and varied a great deal in the past four years. There seems to be a trend though of moving from the conservative to the liberal, not just politically, but in other realms of my life too. I feel I have come to understand a broader understanding of the world, my faith and myself.

A topic I have often pondered about this past year is how evolution and God can fit together. In elementary school and junior high, I was taught both creationism and evolution with a clear emphasis that evolution was silly and wrong. Microevolution was fully supported however. In high school, I was a staunch creationist mostly because of Kent Hogan. My dad brought this video series home from work one day that laid out point by point why creationism was the only way to believe in God. Honestly, looking back on that series, I see it as a scare tactic to get people to believe in conspiracy theories.

Ironically, I've come to believe evolution is true because of my faith. In my Old Testament class I took about a year ago, we talked about the similarities and differences between the Hebrew creation account and the Babylonian creation account, most commonly known as the Enuma elish. In the Enuma elish, the Babylonian gods are at war and the consequences of the war is the birth of the world. There is a six day creation. The world is formed out of the body of the defeated god.

Many biblical scholars believe that the creation story was written while the Israelites were in exile in Babylon. If this were the case, then the creation account could be seen as a retelling of the Babylonian story with Yahweh as the center figure. The Hebrew story could be a way to prove that Yahweh is bigger and better than the multitude of Babylonian gods. It puts humanity in the center of creation as the image of God, the Imago Dei.

An evolutionary understanding of the creation of the world makes sense also because of the nature of God. The God of creationism creates and then he is done. The world is good and fully sufficient to run itself. What does this say about God's involvement in the world? In our lives? Does he create us, mold us, shape us merely at our conception and birth? Does he stand back and watch as we run ourselves into the ground? Into death and destruction? The God of evolution creates everything out of nothing, creatio ex nihilo, then continues to form it and shape it, creatio conitnuata. His role as Almighty Creator actually expands and widens into something rich, deep, and beautiful. It means that God is there with his creation poking and prodding it into something new different and varied. There is growth and change. It is a forward looking future orientated life that doesn't look to what life should've been in the Garden. Also, this does not mean that what God crated in the past is a mistake. The pieces of creation in the past are part of the plan in order to keep moving towards new things. That also doesn't necessarily mean that we are moving towards perfection since that is impossible with the Fall. It means greater advancement, but does not guarentee greater wisdom. Sometime wisdom must evolve with the evolution of the creation in order to be a part of what's new.

I want to know a God who plays an active role in my life. I want a God who willing to create and recreate when I mess up. I need to know God is here and that he is faithful.

Biologically, what would happen in the universe if an entire universe was created in six days? That's absolutely monstrous. And it's not to say that God can handle big, but he created the laws of the world we live in. If a six day creation with a full fledged earth with vegetation and everything were to happen in spite of the natural law, I don't know what would happen. That seems harder to believe in. Time doesn't matter to God, so why should it matter if it was 6 days or 60 billion years?

It was a long slow process to reprogram my brain into an evolutionary standpoint. Creationism still has a bit of a hold on me though, I will admit. It jolts me out of my chair when I have to remind myself that the earth is billions of years old rather than just 6000 years old.

11 May 2008

not [naught] could be had and gone

the heart, the head, the heart. Which is it?
Those words that could be said or said not, thought.
Many times over thought. Overthought.
That second of breath before the plunge.
Souls mingle, skin tingles, clinically
insane.
inside. keep you
love me. do you love me?
do You love me?
do you Love me?
I know. hair never feels the same
On any one head. Or face. wish I could. With red.
Touch, what is farther from my grasp, those
souls mingled and skin tingled or to watch that soul mingle
in someone else's skin?

25 April 2008

birds

I'm currently sitting in the library of my college campus attempting to write a reflection paper that's due in a few days. I'd like to finish it today because then I won't have anything to do next week during finals. But of course, I'm distracted. By birds.

Outside on the corner of the library is a bird's nest. For the past half hour 12 or 13 birds have been flying around in circles. Flying, squawking circles. And I'm thinking "what the hell is going on??" The birds appear to be rather small, but they sound eerily familiar to a type of parrot that lived in some trees near the house where I grew up. These parrots were much larger than these birds and usually stayed much farther away from humans than these birds are doing. I've concluded that these are the same parrots, but considering that it is spring, they must be baby birds and they are learning to fly.

I feel as though I could identify with them on some level. In just one week and one day I will turn my tassel towards another life. One in which I do not return to another year of schooling in the fall. I'm taking a new step. I'm leaving the warm comfy bird's nest of formal education that has consumed the last 16 years of my life. I must learn to fly. I must leave behind what I know and journey elsewhere. Even though I have these grand visions of life beyond the nest, I stay nearby and fly in circles. Desperately hoping that I can navigate this in between world of staying in this city, near many friends, and a new life. Which isn't even that "new" because I will go to grad school fall 2009 for another three years of education. I can't seem to get beyond that circular formation because my heart and my fears tell me to stay with the nest.

This feels like a dreadfully formulated analogy.

"Fiddlesticks, boy. Feed the birds and what have you got? FAT BIRDS."

03 April 2008

rain

I haven't washed my car since August 2007.

Now one might immediately think that I would have a disgustingly dirty car, but it's really quite the opposite. Every single time that I have thought "I need to wash my car," it rains. My plan was to take my car to a car wash place this morning. Yesterday afternoon, it began to rain, thereby defeating my intentions. This has happened once a month or every couple of months without fail.

Maybe God looks down on me and pities me because I'm pretty much broke right now and can't afford to pay someone else to wash my car for me and I don't have time to wash it myself.

31 March 2008

new blog

Hello there world.

I'm creating a new blog with the hopes that I will post some intelligent thoughts rather than illogical emotional shit that I've been used to posting. Enjoy.