29 August 2009

haunted mansion

Every night at 12:57 am (according to the alarm clock radio on my desk) the house shutters. It sounds like someone has jumped from several feet and landed on a floor whose foundation is hollow apart from the supports. It is very odd.

The other odd thing that happens late at night is that there's a crackling sound that comes from the air conditioning vent in the floor of my bedroom. It sounds like someone is stuck in stiff crinkly plastic bag and it trying to get out.

I'm starting to wonder if this place is haunted.

EDIT: 8/29/08 7:36pm

I asked my mom about the shutter at 12:57am and she said it's because the sprinklers turn off at that time and the noise comes from the water shutting off.

25 August 2009

see through

"A realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist."

Okay, so I'm quoting a movie.
Okay, so I'm quoting a silly romantic comedy.

But, really...

As of late: it feels like a very,
VERY true description of


22 August 2009


That's the best word I can come up with for this...experience, this visceral reaction towards two films I've recently seen. One being (500) Days of Summer, the other, Revolutionary Road.

And what do I see?
A deathly look into what my future could be.

Well, first off, don't read this post if you don't want spoilers.

Revolutionary Road follows a married couple who see two different things when they envision at what their lives together could look like. "It takes courage to live the life you want," she says. She dies as she tries. She tries in the wrong way, but she certainly has the courage. Paris wasn't such a childish idea. It was heaven. It was original and different and lovely. RR is the story I'm scared of. It's the story that makes me run away and never ever want to touch that mystery known as marriage, because I see in film and in real life how it can tear your soul to pieces.

(500) Days recounts moments of a relationship between a young man and a young woman over the course of 500 days. The narrator tells us in the very beginning that it's not a love story, and it takes the entire 95 minutes of the film for me to believe this. I'm rooting for them and it all comes to nothing. Well, maybe just on his side. She says she found her fairy tale, even though she didn't believe they were real. But it leaves him in the dust, very misused.

They say that film is the new art form. They say that art reflects life. It's all an illusion really. Life is the everything and the nothing found on film. Rom-coms do nothing but increase the grandeur of the illusion, really. Yet sometimes I want them to make me believe in the lie. Because when these films, such as (500) Days and RR, come around that tout the same cynical perspective (that like Elizabeth though I profess it, it is not my own), I feel like something has died. Maybe if we just clap a little louder...?

I've come to the age where everyone around me is getting married and I think "Why? Why do you do this? Don't you know what you are getting yourself into?" Just this month, not even a full month, only 22 days, I have attended 1 wedding and have heard about 5 weddings and 3 engagements of people whom I know. Among those who are already married, I've heard about babies. Yet, I've heard stories of divorce that are just as rampant, however they are much more disturbing.

Yet, I envy them. I want a taste of that sweetness that has twice tempted my lips, but my story seems to end like Tom's: left in the dust.

I want so much more than the illusions brought to my door. I want so much more than a facade of celebration. I want so much more than they've got planned.

Oh, these paper bullets of the brain.

17 August 2009


I want to watch a movie I think
I scan through my collection
No, no, no, no...I want something to help restore my faith in humanity.
Why do I want this? God only knows.
Then my eyes rest on Baz Lurhmann's Romeo + Juliet Yes!

What? But they kill themselves.

But they kill themselves for love.

Hopeless. I am hopeless. I do not make sense.

Then the words begin: "Two households" etc
Two households...
The feud began, but no one knows where it started. And it just rages on.
Like in "Love Me Dead."
Roxy and James are of two households:
Art and Science.
Intuition and Logic.

Why didn't I realize this before?!
Epiphany. And Radiohead. Bada dum dum.

Matt Jones is the owner of these beautiful photographs of my beloved play.

I wonder what it's like to love something so much that you would do anything for it, even die. That's how we're supposed to love God because that's how he loves us, but I don't think I've ever been there. I think most of the time I'm just existing and thinking (about myself) and hoping for the next best thing even though the next best thing may never come.

flowing, showing, long as I can grow it

I'm tired of being blonde. I want to be a brunette again. But I also really like her hair:

I will probably do some streaks of color next. And then let it grow.

12 August 2009

there's a quarter inch of darkness surrounding my cranium

I've been by myself for too long. I suspect that my posts will spiral into more and more oblivion and more and more nonsense as I continue to live this hibernated life of hiding from the heat and watching movies and tv online and downloading music and ever searching for that answer that will make me feel like I'm whole somehow. I wish you were here. That's what the postcards say. There's only so much that can be done when cleaning a room. There's only so much that can be stood for. There's packing to look forward too but I haven't even put away the old suitcase from the last time I packed. I don't want to go to work because I don't really like my job that much, but it's stiffling being in this house and I get paid to go out of this house. My sister is supposed to come and pick me up and whisk me away for frozen yogurt or something like that. I think I hear her knock at the door...


I want to go to Disneyland. It's been a while. And by "a while" I mean that I haven't been since May, which is a long time to an annual passholder.

I watched the first two episodes of How I Met Your Mother today. I also felt very unproductive


Ingrid. I wish I had a voice as beautiful as hers.
I wish that I could move to Santa Clarita now rather than later.
I wish that I had enough money to not be in a huge amount of debt by the time I leave CalArts.
I wish I had someone to chat with right now, but instead I blog to stretch out, hoping to connect with the world.
I wish that you were here with me.

Because that's all I ever really want, is to be with the people I love.

Love love love
Love me cancerously...well you know how that one goes.
Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Highway
via FoxyTunes

08 August 2009

experiences that shape us

kicking and screaming
heart, broken
please don't stop the music
promises promises
toes in the sand
rain in your eyes
tumble tumble
staying up late
going to bed early
concert going
laying in the shade

Life is here. Life is now. Live. Let go. Love.

04 August 2009

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
When all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosened the chains
Carried the cross
Of all my shame
all my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for


I thing this song can sum up everything I am...and everything I've failed to be.

01 August 2009

I heart Ray LaMontagne

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Now playing: Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now
via FoxyTunes

if only if only