I figure that if I don't get into grad school I have a couple of options open to me that I would really be just fine with on the short term level:
1) Transfer to another B&N in some awesome city like Chicago. I would need to keep my eyes open for a full time position b/c I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own otherwise.
2) Go into the Peace Corps. One of my coworkers is going to Uganda in a couple of weeks with the Peace Corps. What I have discovered from him is that they basically take care of you while you live and help people in another country, which sounds pretty fantastic to me. They will defer your loans, give you money so that way you don't have to stress out about coming back to America and trying to find a job, and if you serve two years they almost guarantee a job with the government.
Also, after a bit of internet searching, I've discovered that since I have a subsidized loan and it's in deferment, that I still won't have any accrued interest once my deferment ends. I feel so relieved knowing that I won't have to pay anything more than necessary once I'm finally able to pay back these loans.
I'm trying to find my way back to God. We haven't talked in a long time. My prayers have usually been along the lines of "Oh God, why do I hurt this much?" lately. Something that I've learned about myself over the years is how much music really affects my soul. I've been listening to David Crowder on repeat on iTunes in the hopes that maybe those worshipful prayers can turn into my own prayers for healing. I don't have the patience for such a slow process, but that in and of itself ends up being a good lesson.