fml

seriously, the past few days have not been going my way

humph

I guess that if you want to go with a yin-yang worldview that there are bad things that go with the good things and vice versa. Even though there were many good things that had happened yesterday, it ended very very badly. My stomach performed some really impressive gastronomical pyrotechnics. I was up about every half hour last night, throwing up absolutely nothing even though my stomach thought something was there. I'm really grateful to God that at least today I can stomach crackers, 7-up, and half a cup of noodle soup. I am also very very grateful that I have a mother who doesn't bat an eye at all this and has taken care of me so well. I can't imagine what it would be like to live alone and go through all this.

I'm just a little nervous because I've been trying to contact the costume designer at CalArts with whom I am supposed to interview with tomorrow. I've called her and emailed her. I need to move my interview to later. All I need is a day. There is no way I have the energy to finish up my portfolio tonight or the ability to drive out there early tomorrow morning.

What did you expect, a peaceful ride?

Love is like the ocean.

You take long walks on the beach. The sand snuggling in between your toes. The waves slink up on the shore, gentling kissing your feet. And if you listen carefully you might hear the voices of angels or a soft whisper of "I love you" float up from the waves.

And then there's the time when ignore the red flag or the yellow one with a big black dot in the middle and you go swimming anyway. The pull of the water is strong and you often feel like you'll fall on your ass. You're in there for so long that you start to feel a little confident. Everything seems fine until the next wave comes. And then another wave joins it. Enough power and force to sweep you off your feet. Or rather, sweep your own feet out from under you. Your body swirls under the surface encountering more power in one surge of water than you've ever known before. You close your eyes to the chaos and blow air out your nose as hard as you can. Despite the water's efforts, you stand. Despite your own efforts, the water still went up your nose, stinging nasal passages you didn't know existed.

Guess the ocean's just paying you back for all the times you peed in the water.

And yet.
And yet. You go back soon after. Touch toes to foam and make peace with that reckoning force.

introverts and extroverts

I am a die hard extrovert. I need people. Simple as that. I get sad and depressed when I'm alone for too long. All I really need is a conversation and a hug and I am a happy girl.

And then I wonder why all my friends are introverts. Nearly everyone I know or am close to are introverted. It makes my life a little difficult at times because I want friends all the time and they want friends about half time. And then there's the whole "sharing your life with people" part. I classify myself as a fairly open and honest person. I like to and need to share my inner thoughts with other people and hope that they do the same with me. When other people don't share with me, and then I find out about their lives second hand, it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder why they wouldn't trust me. Or if I was as important to them as they are to me.

I think that I reacted more personally to this when I was in high school, yet I'm still learning to navigate these sort of waters. It's still hard to know what to do. I feel like what has worked best, in the survival sort of sense, is to let it roll off my back and just keep going. If I bitch and complain, it doesn't get me anywhere because it just makes other people want to run away from me. So I sit tight and hold my tongue and hope that maybe a few more years worth of friendship will bring more open hearts to mine. I must love others before I expect any love from them in return.

In other news: I spent three weeks in Israel and I'm really glad to be back, though I will miss the friendships from the trip. Also, my job that was secure for July and August looks a little less steady. I'm kind of scared about what will happen.
----------------------------
To be perfectly honest, I'm completely miserable right now. I have so many unresolved things in my life right now. I feel like there is so much to me that people don't know or don't see. There are so many things that just randomly pop in my head that I would love to share with someone else, but there is no one here.

Now when I say "no one is here" the first thought that comes into my head is that I'm not alone because God is always with me. That thought is comforting to a point. Because sometimes. Sometimes talking to God feels like I'm talking to myself.