28 January 2009

another bit of silliness

A friend sent this to me and I thought it was amusing:

http://cowbirdsinlove.com/399

hehehe

Can I just say, that I really like our president? He's so calm with poking fun and making jokes that are not awkward (unlike his VP). It's nice.

when life coincides

I was planning on visiting SB this weekend.

And through my never ending talent to facebook stalk, I have discovered that President's Ball is also this weekend.

I'm very excited about this fact. If only it were Friday and not Saturday.

26 January 2009

EEEEEE!!!

I finished my play.


If you want to read it, comment, or send me an email, or facebook me, or something. Just let me know, otherwise it stays on my desktop.

25 January 2009

peace be with you

Last night I watched a movie on Lifetime (I know Lifetime right?) called Prayers for Bobby. It was based on a real life story about a boy who came out to his family, who were fundamentalist Christian. He eventually killed himself because he couldn't take it anymore. There was a scene in the movie where the mom eventually comes around after his death and she goes to this pastor/reverend at a liberal minded church. She starts crying and blaming herself because she knew now that nothing was wrong with him because God made him that way. And she blames herself and she knows she was the one who killed him. And the priest says that Bobby killed himself, not her. Then he says her:

"God has already forgiven you. When will you forgive yourself?"

It was a powerful moment that came back to me this morning in church while we sang the chorus of this song:

Lift high your chains undone
All rise, exalt the Son
Jesus Christ the Holy One
We lift our eyes to you

My problem is not God and his unapproving gaze resting on this sinner. That is a god of my own making, an unfortunate reflection of my own father. It's my unforgiving self judging all that I have done, all that I have thought, all that I lack. God's love is free.

And with that I will leave you a bit of silliness:

22 January 2009

I miss everyone. Epically.

19 January 2009

Are YOU ready for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ??


Is this supposed to be some strange sort of scare tactic into belief and/or evangelism? This is the kind of attitude I grew up with in church. Blech.

17 January 2009

things that thither and thather through thoughts

I figure that if I don't get into grad school I have a couple of options open to me that I would really be just fine with on the short term level:
1) Transfer to another B&N in some awesome city like Chicago. I would need to keep my eyes open for a full time position b/c I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own otherwise.
2) Go into the Peace Corps. One of my coworkers is going to Uganda in a couple of weeks with the Peace Corps. What I have discovered from him is that they basically take care of you while you live and help people in another country, which sounds pretty fantastic to me. They will defer your loans, give you money so that way you don't have to stress out about coming back to America and trying to find a job, and if you serve two years they almost guarantee a job with the government.

Also, after a bit of internet searching, I've discovered that since I have a subsidized loan and it's in deferment, that I still won't have any accrued interest once my deferment ends. I feel so relieved knowing that I won't have to pay anything more than necessary once I'm finally able to pay back these loans.

I'm trying to find my way back to God. We haven't talked in a long time. My prayers have usually been along the lines of "Oh God, why do I hurt this much?" lately. Something that I've learned about myself over the years is how much music really affects my soul. I've been listening to David Crowder on repeat on iTunes in the hopes that maybe those worshipful prayers can turn into my own prayers for healing. I don't have the patience for such a slow process, but that in and of itself ends up being a good lesson.

13 January 2009

$*%&

I

can't

find

ANY

art

classes

in

the

IE

discouragement

I am not sure what to say. I'm a little in shock.

I went to CalArts today to visit the campus. I met with one of the costume profs. I don't even know where to begin in describing how awful this was for me. First off, she asks me why I like theatre. Uuuuuhh, right. So I give her my answer, it's the creating something out of almost nothing and calling it "mine." Nope, not what she wants to hear. Why do I like theatre? WTF? I thought I gave a perfectly reasonable answer! So then she tears apart my portfolio - my figure drawing is flat, I don't know how to draw or create something that communicates well. She filled my head with so many criticisms that I sat there completely dumbfounded and unsure of how to answer any question with clarity. Then she goes off on how she wants to see more of my fine art, because she sees potential in my fine art drawings (that's good right?), but she thinks it's really bad that I don't have any training in figure drawing, and that I need to go home, draw every day for two hours, copy the masters, and come back with a better portfolio. She gave me back my portfolio and told me to do it over! I didn't get to talk about my designs at all. That's the stellar part of my portfolio though! When I tell you about my ideas and how they are shown in my drawings and the finished product, I can really wow ya, but...nothing. She didn't even want to hear about that, apparently.

I came out of that meeting feeling humiliated, stupid, ignorant, uneducated, inexperienced, and lacking anything in the way of "artistic."

This does not encourage me to continue with my applications. I do want to do costume design, but at the same time I want to be apart of something purposeful and more than just entertainment. It really doesn't help that I've been questioning lately whether this costume design thing is really what I want to do. I have to do art, I have to do theatre. I want to do more than just design clothes. I want to dance, I want to write, I want to act! Oh, how I want to act. I'm a liberal arts woman of theatre. I want to do it all.

In other news, I got drunk for the first time Saturday night. I'm never doing that again, that's for sure. And I'm not going to mix my own drinks unless I have someone/somebook that tells me the right formula.

08 January 2009

four men

Today certainly ended up being an interesting day in Lynne-land.

I was woken up at 7:30 this morning and one of my managers at B&N wanted to know if I wanted to come in at 10am to do an 8-hour shift. Mind you, I hadn't gone to bed til 2:30 that night. In my foggy non-morning oriented mind, I agreed, which I was regretting an hour later when my alarm went off to tell me to get ready to go. I really shouldn't be trusted to make decisions in the morning.

In this 8-hour shift that I magically got myself through, some interesting things happened:

1) A guy from Austria bought a book about Film Festivals. When I asked for his ID for a credit card purchase, the woman he was with had translate what I said. He seemed to know English well enough to say "I am from Austria. This is my traveller's license." He then pulled out this slip of pink cardstock that looked all official and stuff. On the inside was all the identification I need including a picture that looked like he cut it out of one of his family albums. I love it when foreigners come to the store. It's so fascinating and just makes me want to go visit their native country.

2) Another man that I rung up simply defied the conventional standard for Redlands. He was probably in his mid to late eighties, he walked with a cane, and adorably donned a fedora that looked like it came straight from the 40's. I was a little shocked by his selection: a book on gay culture in art, a book about contemporary gay culture, and two books of gay erotica that unapologetically had men with big guns and six packs displayed on the covers. It was fascinating, because this man didn't look anything like the two most prominent gay stereotypes of bear or flamboyant. I couldn't help but smile.

3) The third man of the evening that purchased books from me was a sight to see. He caught my eye immediately because he was an exact replica of Matt Kletzing, if Matt were 45 years old, 2 inches shorter, and 50 pounds heavier. The hair was EXACTLY THE SAME. And his face shape and facial bone structure were eerily similar. It was weird.

4) I had this conversation with my coworker, Drew, as I was clocking out.
"Are you leaving?" he asks.
"Yup."
"But, but...I need you. To survive."
"I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before"
He laughs, "What? You think I'm - "
"Completely full of BS. Yeah."
"Well, I'm full of a lot of other things too."
I cringe, "You know, I could take that as quite innocent or as really really sketchy."
"Oh definitely sketchy."
"Well, I usually do."
"Good."
I start to walk away.
"See you later," he says.
"I hope you survive."

bleh

I hate my recent sleep schedule.

I wish that I didn't close so often at B&N. It's what got me stuck here in the first place.

When was the last time that I slept less than 10 hours and didn't feel tired all day?


Something must be wrong with me.


And, tonight, this is the second engagement I've heard about in the past 48 hours. And one of my friends from high school recently had a baby. HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD??

06 January 2009

cafe au lait

Zak - I feel like your blog has reminded me why blogs are fun. I feel a bit more inspired. So I might end up writing on here more.

So, topic for today: my play (insert evil maniacal laugh here)

I'm writing this play for Tyler's senior project. I know Tyler has seen this blog, but I don't think he often comes here, which gives me leave to write about how super STOKED I am about this play.I have no idea if he'll even want to use it because he has so many other good ideas, bit that won't matter because I'll just give it to one of my grad school friends to produce in a couple of years or something.

Let me just say, first off, it feels sooooo good to write fiction again. I don't think I've really attempted it for over two years now, maybe three. It's something I've missed a great deal. I've discovered that my most creative stuff comes out on pen and paper and not through typing even though I can type faster than I write.

Basic premise: Romeo and Juliet meets expressionism meets String Theory.

Which sounds completely insane. Though I probably am insane. In order to brush up on my string theory, I'm reading The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene. It's a fantastic book thus far and a lot easier to read than some of that stuff Telford shoved down our throats. Who would've thought that after college I would have become interested in quantum mechanics. Life long learner indeed.

Where we lay our scene: a coffeeshop. Where Romeo's mournful love is a coffeeshop folk singer and his Juliet is a string theorist. What is exciting for me is that these people have normal, semi-shy interactions with each other, but the actions of the play Romeo and Juliet come forth through an expression of his own inner psychological experience. Shakespeare's play always felt a little too rush for my taste. Who actually does fall in love at first sight and get married a day later? C'mon Wills! I'm also playing with the moon vs sun imagery, which I hope any Shakespeare fan will be able to pick up on.

Now the part that gets even more interesting is when the expressionist scenes get too mixed up with reality. We don't know what's real. And string theory, the idea that the whole universe has multiple dimensions that are all folded up on each other within these tiny little strings. Well, this play will fold up on itself and maybe a double suicide isn't the only ending worth considering.

Yay theatre!

04 January 2009

a new thought or two for the new year

I think I just realized a greater meaning for the picture displayed across the top of my blog. It's more than just a nice photo I took. It's the log in my eye. It's a reminder that I need to check myself over and over again.

I used to blog about meaningful things on LJ or xanga, it mostly came out though as vague allusions to a struggle with feeling lonely.

Sunday is Church Day. I think I go compulsively now, without much spirit or vigor. My light is gone, my emotion is not. Though I must admit, I'm becoming somewhat of an expert at pushing them deep down, not to be found.

Church this morning was a mix of frustration and hope. The frustration was the same and the hope was quickly diverted because, again, I've learn to push that emotion down. Hope. Prayer. Praise. Glory to God. Pride. How can one move beyond Pride and admit a weakness? How does one admit that one lacks the strength to handle living everyday? How does one trust a Church full of ungodly things?

Do I even known myself when I cannot see? Can we get rid of this log? Please?