15 February 2009

after midnight

Tonight as I drove home from work the moon rose over the Redlands skyline. The smog gave it a yellowish glow and the hazy clouds spread the light in interesting patterns against the dark sky. It was beautiful. I like the night.

Today was frustrating. I hardly thought at all about how I don't have anyone to celebrate V-Day with. Rather, my heart broke for the lack of friendship in my life. I just want people to talk to, hugs to give, love to exchange. But...nothing. Alone. I have my mom, but it's not the same. The only social life I have exists at work (which lacks much) and the internet (which lacks just as much). This is not the kind of life I want. I need people. Talking to God only alleviates the pain temporarily. Going to Santa Barbara and spending time with people there, fills my heart again, but as soon as I leave, it's gone again. So all this considered with my sciatica/leg pain that's been going on this week, I've lacked the motivation to do anything about my grad school applications.

I have found that it is very difficult for my to reach out and hold on to God when I do not have friends around me. The only time I ever feel connected to God without loved ones around is when I go for a walk by myself on the beach. I know that solitude is good, but so is community. I cannot have one without the other and stay sane for very long.

I've been praying for God to help me find my community for months now it seems. Nothing seems to change.

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster.
She just needs someone to take her home.


  1. I can identify in so many ways to this...you have no idea. You'll be in my prayers, Lynne.

  2. thats a miserable dilemma. all i can say is you are going to ireland!