14 December 2010
broken and beautiful
This lovely little creature was on my car's hood today. It was lying on its side, its wings a little worse for wear. I helped it stand up with an index card I dug out of my glove box. Broken, but beautiful. A little bit like me.
I left it in a eucalyptus tree next to the parking lot before I drove away. I don't know how long it will stay alive. But that's the way life is. We're born, we die, we live somewhere in between. Spreading creativity and beauty as best we can.
24 November 2010
they're here
When I was a kid, I used to think that when I couldn't find my parents that the rapture had happened without me. Now in kid time, 30 seconds can seem like several minutes. I used to be truly terrified that I was left behind and would have to fend for myself.
Today this fear manifested itself in a different way. I am currently in Redlands at my mom's house, waiting for my mom to get off work. Once she arrives, our plan is to have lunch and then spend the afternoon at Disneyland. She said she would be here by noon, and it is now 12:36pm. I thought, "I wonder what's keeping her?" Instead of something logical, like something at work taking too long, or Thanksgiving traffic, etc, my mind immediately goes to Zombie Apocalypse.
Which then, I jumped directly to deciding on what my survival strategy is. Weapon resources: limited, my mom does not own a firearm, nor any large butcher knives. However, there might be a shovel or a pitchfork in the shed. Done. Transportation: I have my car, but only a quarter tank of gas. I would need to go into town to fill up. This might be tricky depending on how quickly the virus has spread.
Because I'm me, I would want to get as far away from the action as possible, because I don't know how capable I would be to fend off the zombies. But I've never gone camping, we don't have any camping gear, though there are a couple of sleeping bags. I wouldn't want to head back to Santa Clarita because Santa Clarita is a death trap being so close to LA and there aren't a lot of options for where you can go. North or south. Actually, going to the Santa Paula/Fillmore Valley might not be a bad idea. There's a lake and it's remote enough that you have to travel by car to get there.
Nevermind, she just pulled up the driveway.
Today this fear manifested itself in a different way. I am currently in Redlands at my mom's house, waiting for my mom to get off work. Once she arrives, our plan is to have lunch and then spend the afternoon at Disneyland. She said she would be here by noon, and it is now 12:36pm. I thought, "I wonder what's keeping her?" Instead of something logical, like something at work taking too long, or Thanksgiving traffic, etc, my mind immediately goes to Zombie Apocalypse.
Which then, I jumped directly to deciding on what my survival strategy is. Weapon resources: limited, my mom does not own a firearm, nor any large butcher knives. However, there might be a shovel or a pitchfork in the shed. Done. Transportation: I have my car, but only a quarter tank of gas. I would need to go into town to fill up. This might be tricky depending on how quickly the virus has spread.
Because I'm me, I would want to get as far away from the action as possible, because I don't know how capable I would be to fend off the zombies. But I've never gone camping, we don't have any camping gear, though there are a couple of sleeping bags. I wouldn't want to head back to Santa Clarita because Santa Clarita is a death trap being so close to LA and there aren't a lot of options for where you can go. North or south. Actually, going to the Santa Paula/Fillmore Valley might not be a bad idea. There's a lake and it's remote enough that you have to travel by car to get there.
Nevermind, she just pulled up the driveway.
20 November 2010
Let the Rain by Sara Bareilles
This song feels the way life has felt lately.
---------------------------
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
---------------------------
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
13 November 2010
Flesh-Eating Tigers
I saw a play tonight that did everything that I had wanted to accomplish with Love Me Dead.
It blew me away. The writing was so perfect, the characters perfectly imperfect, and the structure so very non existent. Wonderful. I can't help but feel a little jealous that she did so much in those 75 minutes of glorious complex vague words, but I also know that the writer probably has had more life experience than I have ever. So I guess that part makes sense. At least if we're going to believe the mantra of writing what you know.
And yet, I'm currently writing a zombie movie.
Which doesn't fit with that theory.
What is life but a bunch of theories to be explored?
It blew me away. The writing was so perfect, the characters perfectly imperfect, and the structure so very non existent. Wonderful. I can't help but feel a little jealous that she did so much in those 75 minutes of glorious complex vague words, but I also know that the writer probably has had more life experience than I have ever. So I guess that part makes sense. At least if we're going to believe the mantra of writing what you know.
And yet, I'm currently writing a zombie movie.
Which doesn't fit with that theory.
What is life but a bunch of theories to be explored?
28 October 2010
cats
Do you ever think it weird when cats stare at you when you walk across a room? They never move their eyes, only their heads. Sitting perfectly still, with a tail wrapped around their feet, and only the head moves. Are they a secret spy for the KGB here to watch my every move?
07 September 2010
Jane vs the World
Sometimes I fancy my life is not so different from Jane Austen's.
She had her flirtations (Tom Lefroy, though there are likely others) and so have I (Matt and Matt).
She settled on a younger man, then changed her mind (Harris Bigg-Wither) and so did I (Darren).
She made her own clothes, and so do I.
The Mysterious Suitor-by-the-Sea, well, nothing can quite match that story.
Cassandra only mentions in her later years that Jane met (and maybe loved?) a charming man in Devonshire who "made it plain he should seek them out again." But he died before he could. Cassandra also burnt half of Jane's letters when her sister died. Any mention of him from Jane's hand is most certainly gone.
You know, I fancy this similarity also because life is just life. She published anonymously and amounted to not very much in the public eye, because they only knew her as "A Lady." She dedicated herself to her family and to the poor, and I find that admirable. She and her sister spent a great deal of time teaching Chawton Village's children how to read and write.
And yet she was sharper and crueler than anyone I know. Puns involving "Rears and Vices." Or perhaps this little piece of work from Persuasion:
Or how about this:
Even though I feel as though I identify with this woman of two centuries ago, I have a feeling she wouldn't like me. I think she is too shrewd, too sharp, too particular, that I would not be welcomed into her graces easily. Perhaps if I did something kind for her brother.
Hmm. I must remember this once I perfect my time machine. Or steal the TARDIS.
My mind has wandered to another random pondering. Do we fancy ourselves writers for writing on a blog? Everyone has a blog these days. I have more than one. I am not alone in this. Do we really think that we write well enough to spread our thoughts among the masses?
Perhaps that's why I don't openly share this blog on facebook. Hah.
That's all for tonight, before my sickly head explodes. There is no cumulative point expressively laid out in fine poetical American English nor in a proper narrative fashion. Just me, and my strange train of thought.
Good night, fair world.
She had her flirtations (Tom Lefroy, though there are likely others) and so have I (Matt and Matt).
She settled on a younger man, then changed her mind (Harris Bigg-Wither) and so did I (Darren).
She made her own clothes, and so do I.
The Mysterious Suitor-by-the-Sea, well, nothing can quite match that story.
Cassandra only mentions in her later years that Jane met (and maybe loved?) a charming man in Devonshire who "made it plain he should seek them out again." But he died before he could. Cassandra also burnt half of Jane's letters when her sister died. Any mention of him from Jane's hand is most certainly gone.
You know, I fancy this similarity also because life is just life. She published anonymously and amounted to not very much in the public eye, because they only knew her as "A Lady." She dedicated herself to her family and to the poor, and I find that admirable. She and her sister spent a great deal of time teaching Chawton Village's children how to read and write.
And yet she was sharper and crueler than anyone I know. Puns involving "Rears and Vices." Or perhaps this little piece of work from Persuasion:
The real circumstances of this pathetic piece of family history were, that the Musgroves had had the ill fortune of a very troublesome, hopeless son; and the good fortune to lose him before he reached his twentieth year; that he had been sent to sea because he was stupid and unmanageable on shore; that he had been very little cared for at any time by his family, though quite as much as he deserved; seldom heard of, and scarcely at all regretted, when the intelligence of his death abroad had worked its way to Uppercross, two years before.That's about as close as you can get to calling someone an outright Dickhead in Regency England.
He had, in fact, though his sisters were now doing all they could for him, by calling him "poor Richard," been nothing better than a thick-headed, unfeeling, unprofitable Dick Musgrove, who had never done anything to entitle himself to more than the abbreviation of his name, living or dead.
Or how about this:
Mrs Hall of Sherborne was brought to bed yesterday of a dead child, some weeks before she expected, ow[e]ing to a fright. I suppose she happened unawares to look at her husband.Ouch. Cruel indeed.
Even though I feel as though I identify with this woman of two centuries ago, I have a feeling she wouldn't like me. I think she is too shrewd, too sharp, too particular, that I would not be welcomed into her graces easily. Perhaps if I did something kind for her brother.
Hmm. I must remember this once I perfect my time machine. Or steal the TARDIS.
My mind has wandered to another random pondering. Do we fancy ourselves writers for writing on a blog? Everyone has a blog these days. I have more than one. I am not alone in this. Do we really think that we write well enough to spread our thoughts among the masses?
Perhaps that's why I don't openly share this blog on facebook. Hah.
That's all for tonight, before my sickly head explodes. There is no cumulative point expressively laid out in fine poetical American English nor in a proper narrative fashion. Just me, and my strange train of thought.
Good night, fair world.
18 August 2010
oh, little ol' me
I'm just a messed up girl
who thinks too much
and likes talking about emotions
but I rarely do so aloud.
So I guess that means I think too much there too.
Most of all, I want to connect with people.
I want love. To have love: give love.
That's what we must do.
Fill up and overflow.
I'd love to wander down that street. I imagine it's Paris. Oh, to be in Paris once more! To be in Paris and just be. Be outside a sidewalk café with un cafe et une crème brûlée. Except I don't drink un café. I'd rather have une tasse de thé.
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