22 September 2011

The choices we make and the actions we take are the ones that define who we are.

To drunk text or not to drunk text?

The answer is of course NOT. But it is tempting.

Now mind you, I'm not actually drunk, I'm having a glass of wine while I read Portrait of a Lady, of which I will be designing a stage adaptation of the book later this school year. Tonight the alcohol is enhancing the emotions I have been experiencing all day. Because this morning in my Adaptation Seminar we did a free write for 20 minutes with the objective of adapting the myth of Echo and Narcissus. In the process of writing, I realized that I am Echo. I am cursed to love someone who doesn't return the feelings and I will never be able to speak it. But is it real love? I don't know. Is it real when it's four years of something? I watch him continually choose the wrong people and it breaks my heart, not because he doesn't choose me, but because it hurts him.

Divulging all of that emotion during a free write and all in one go was...surprising. Primarily because I continue to tell myself I'm over it. Over and over I force him out of my heart, but it doesn't work. I've yet to meet anyone that compares.

The whole thing just makes me feel lonely. It makes me want to be in the company of friends. It makes me want to go back to freshmen year at Westmont, before him, and relive the knitting/crocheting movie parties in Page Hall. Where you just popped in and out of friends' rooms without explanation. Just for a night I can be naive again.

It also makes me sign back onto OkCupid with the thought that I might find someone there. The first attempt was a minor disaster and doesn't give me much hope in a second try. Especially when I'm too busy to dedicate time to people outside of school and there isn't anyone I'm interested in at school. Especially when it's not fair to them that my heart is still chasing after this one person even though I don't want it to.

Well, how about that for a blog post comeback? I won't promise any other updates, as people tend to after a hiatus. I've certainly done that before and not followed through. I doubt any updates will happen. Posting on a blog that I don't advertise feels a lot like writing a letter and throwing it to the wind. Maybe it will land, maybe it will get caught on a cactus. Maybe Echo will find it and cry out to me in empathy.

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