07 January 2010

Over a year and half


Graduation into what?

My brain has turned to mush.
I live day to day, week to week, barely thinking.
Not the way I used to.
And yet exactly the way I used to.
Before Westmont.

The words simmer under a surface, yet struggle to get out.

In the end
I just feel stupid

Maybe I'm just lazy, because I have to practice in order to communicate

And if I am just lazy, then I have become someone I hate.
Always asking what can I do to get by
Never reading the newspaper
Always wanting to look a certain way
Never having enough things

I do not want to be a product of this America, yet I can feel its claws sinking into my skin.

Is it possible to live in such a way that I don't care what other people think of me? If you know how, please tell me.

I want to write more. Not just on this silly thing, but really write. What is it that I have to offer to this world?
I think I've completely forgotten.

I want my life to feel magical.


  1. I think all of us twenty-somethings are waiting for that magical moment, when we are doing the thing that we are passionate about. I always have the picture of standing on a stage, staring at the curtain...waiting for it to rise and for the journey to begin. I just have to ask God for patience...because that's really all I can do, besides being faithful in the day to day realities of life, trusting Him and seeking Him in everything.

  2. I feel lucky in that I feel like I can find magic in so many things ordinary or otherwise. I remember stopping to watch it rain during my Freshman year at Westmont and I decided that there was nothing "ordinary" about it. The world is filled with "magic" if you believe in it. So much is about belief and faith. It's so easy to believe but I make it hard for myself.

    I believe that "magical moment" is and can be here and now--the hard part is making it happen/believing in it. The future excites me and I linger in the past, but look too long and I forget the present. I say, live with an open hand--not a clenched fist. Embrace.

    God is great.