The choices we make and the actions we take are the ones that define who we are.

To drunk text or not to drunk text?

The answer is of course NOT. But it is tempting.

Now mind you, I'm not actually drunk, I'm having a glass of wine while I read Portrait of a Lady, of which I will be designing a stage adaptation of the book later this school year. Tonight the alcohol is enhancing the emotions I have been experiencing all day. Because this morning in my Adaptation Seminar we did a free write for 20 minutes with the objective of adapting the myth of Echo and Narcissus. In the process of writing, I realized that I am Echo. I am cursed to love someone who doesn't return the feelings and I will never be able to speak it. But is it real love? I don't know. Is it real when it's four years of something? I watch him continually choose the wrong people and it breaks my heart, not because he doesn't choose me, but because it hurts him.

Divulging all of that emotion during a free write and all in one go was...surprising. Primarily because I continue to tell myself I'm over it. Over and over I force him out of my heart, but it doesn't work. I've yet to meet anyone that compares.

The whole thing just makes me feel lonely. It makes me want to be in the company of friends. It makes me want to go back to freshmen year at Westmont, before him, and relive the knitting/crocheting movie parties in Page Hall. Where you just popped in and out of friends' rooms without explanation. Just for a night I can be naive again.

It also makes me sign back onto OkCupid with the thought that I might find someone there. The first attempt was a minor disaster and doesn't give me much hope in a second try. Especially when I'm too busy to dedicate time to people outside of school and there isn't anyone I'm interested in at school. Especially when it's not fair to them that my heart is still chasing after this one person even though I don't want it to.

Well, how about that for a blog post comeback? I won't promise any other updates, as people tend to after a hiatus. I've certainly done that before and not followed through. I doubt any updates will happen. Posting on a blog that I don't advertise feels a lot like writing a letter and throwing it to the wind. Maybe it will land, maybe it will get caught on a cactus. Maybe Echo will find it and cry out to me in empathy.

Amazing

Directed by Tony Kelly for American Apparel from Tony Kelly Photography on Vimeo.

I hate it when in romantic comedies, the couple that finally resolves their issues in the end almost always kisses in front of a crowd and then everyone applauds.

WHO ACTUALLY DOES THAT?


Except maybe a bride and groom at their own wedding, I can't think of any real life examples of when it's ever appropriate or not awkward.

poke

What is the purpose of a facebook poke? I find it very confusing.

There are currently three people poking me: Ruth, my sister, and a guy I knew from Redlands.

My feelings about the pokes:

Ruth: well, it makes me smile when I see that she has poked me, because she is a few thousand miles away and I miss my best friend. We poke each other about once a week, which seems to be an appropriate amount of time.

My sister: she started poking me while she was here in CA on vacation (she moved to Colorado last fall). And then, when I responded, she would poke back almost immediately. If I continued to poke back immediately, then this would mean being on facebook for more time than I already do and poking her ten times a day. I get an email every time she pokes me, which sort of sets me up for disappointment, because I think it's a really important kind of email or something, but no. Alas, I have been poked. I could turn off the notification, but for some reason I don't wish to.

Guy from Redlands: okay, so this one is just weird. I talked to him very briefly one summer in between freshmen and sophomore year at the college group at church. I thought maybe he was flirting with me. But I didn't see him again until two months later, again randomly at church. We became facebook friends sometime between then and now. My sister mentioned once that she thinks he is really really weird, which then biased me towards that opinion. I don't think of him without thinking that my sister thinks he is weird. Last fall he fb messaged me wanting to know what I've been up to. This was only a couple weeks after I saw (again on fb) that he broke up with a girl that he was engaged to. We chatted on message back and forth for a little bit, but I still can't get that thought that he is weird out of my head. But, that's not really saying much I guess because my sister thinks that most of my friends are really weird. I think I hid his poking a few months ago and now he's poked me again AND messaged me complaining that we haven't poked each other in a while.

WHAT?? I mean, really, WHAT??

I do not understand facebook communication. Social media has taken over the world, but I will still prefer face to face interaction and his pestering me, is mighty strange, since we barely know each other, but he wants us to hang out because we're both artists (he does graphic design) and he continuously compliments me of how talented I am in these fb messages.

What is the purpose of a poke?

never been better

I started the Body for Life program on Wednesday, March 9th. Three weeks later and I have never felt better in my life.

• I'm cooking and eating really healthy
• I never realized how tasty the weird looking vegetables are
• I gained an inch of muscle on my biceps!
• My self-esteem is probably the best it's been all my life
• Cooking (instead of running to the cafeteria at school) is actually faster, because I cook one day a week and microwave the rest
• I've been having friends over for meals too -- which is the way that meals should be anyhow: communal
• I can run up a flight of stairs (while skipping every other one) without getting out of breath

All for the glory of God. My body being a temple for the Holy Spirit. Following this program is helping me love the Life I have.

OOH EMM GEE

New favorite blog has to be WhatTheJazz.com. Why? Where else on the internet are you going to get an RSS feed on stuff like this:

 

Yeah.

Where did my heart go? It's been three and a half years since it skipped a beat for anyone. Where has it gone?

Perhaps it went for a swim in the depths of the Mariana Trench and got lost. Or maybe it hitch hiked its way through the Rockies and got bit by poisonous snake. Or maybe it's been spending all its gold on fortifying the castle walls.

I miss that playful joyful skip.