I was in major post-production blues for As You Like It.
I decided I wanted to be a costume designer.
Zak convinced me to design 43 costumes.
I was singing Kelly Clarkson's "Maybe" at the top of my lungs while driving in my car.
I was so in love it hurt.
I was painting the walls of Anon(ymous).
I listened to Natasha Bedingfield tell me "the rest is still unwritten."
I was microwaving leftovers in the copy room.
I had fun doing Suzuki walks in Acting II.
I learned about Alexander Technique.
I smiled and laughed in Elizabeth's class.
I was desperate to revisit England Semester.
I made food for twenty people and was happy.
I laughed the hardest I ever have in my life from telephone pictionary.
I made a fool of myself. Several times.
How time moves so quickly yet so slowly, I will never begin to understand this.
16 February 2009
15 February 2009
television might eat our brains
Today I have watched:
3 movies and 1/2 of two separate movies.
1 episode of Extreme Home Makeover
This mean I have spent approx. 9 hours of my life on a couch or on the floor (because of my sciatica) just today.
And it's now after 10pm and I'm still awake trying to think of something to do besides working on my portfolios and the only thing I could think of was to either watch The Empire Strikes Back (seriously, cannot get enough of Han Solo) or watch a movie on Hulu.
What?
(I decided to clean my room, because my life is really that pathetic)
3 movies and 1/2 of two separate movies.
1 episode of Extreme Home Makeover
This mean I have spent approx. 9 hours of my life on a couch or on the floor (because of my sciatica) just today.
And it's now after 10pm and I'm still awake trying to think of something to do besides working on my portfolios and the only thing I could think of was to either watch The Empire Strikes Back (seriously, cannot get enough of Han Solo) or watch a movie on Hulu.
What?
(I decided to clean my room, because my life is really that pathetic)
after midnight
Tonight as I drove home from work the moon rose over the Redlands skyline. The smog gave it a yellowish glow and the hazy clouds spread the light in interesting patterns against the dark sky. It was beautiful. I like the night.
Today was frustrating. I hardly thought at all about how I don't have anyone to celebrate V-Day with. Rather, my heart broke for the lack of friendship in my life. I just want people to talk to, hugs to give, love to exchange. But...nothing. Alone. I have my mom, but it's not the same. The only social life I have exists at work (which lacks much) and the internet (which lacks just as much). This is not the kind of life I want. I need people. Talking to God only alleviates the pain temporarily. Going to Santa Barbara and spending time with people there, fills my heart again, but as soon as I leave, it's gone again. So all this considered with my sciatica/leg pain that's been going on this week, I've lacked the motivation to do anything about my grad school applications.
I have found that it is very difficult for my to reach out and hold on to God when I do not have friends around me. The only time I ever feel connected to God without loved ones around is when I go for a walk by myself on the beach. I know that solitude is good, but so is community. I cannot have one without the other and stay sane for very long.
I've been praying for God to help me find my community for months now it seems. Nothing seems to change.
She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster.
She just needs someone to take her home.
Today was frustrating. I hardly thought at all about how I don't have anyone to celebrate V-Day with. Rather, my heart broke for the lack of friendship in my life. I just want people to talk to, hugs to give, love to exchange. But...nothing. Alone. I have my mom, but it's not the same. The only social life I have exists at work (which lacks much) and the internet (which lacks just as much). This is not the kind of life I want. I need people. Talking to God only alleviates the pain temporarily. Going to Santa Barbara and spending time with people there, fills my heart again, but as soon as I leave, it's gone again. So all this considered with my sciatica/leg pain that's been going on this week, I've lacked the motivation to do anything about my grad school applications.
I have found that it is very difficult for my to reach out and hold on to God when I do not have friends around me. The only time I ever feel connected to God without loved ones around is when I go for a walk by myself on the beach. I know that solitude is good, but so is community. I cannot have one without the other and stay sane for very long.
I've been praying for God to help me find my community for months now it seems. Nothing seems to change.
She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster.
She just needs someone to take her home.
12 February 2009
a solution
It would seem that sophomore year has served me well.
Since I've been quite stuck on this play business and trying to find a way to fix some of the holes in the narrative, I decided to stick to the advice that John Wilder gave me three years ago: step outline.
A step outline is where you break down your story scene by scene, moment by moment, so that way when you go to write the story will flow freely and orderly. I did not do this the first time around with this script, which is probably why the holes exist. So I spent about an hour writing the step outline for the play. Having a summarized whole in front of me helped me see what needed filling. I then spent another hour making notes and writing outlines for scenes that could be added and giving more complications to the story. I think I fixed it. I think it will work. Now I just need to add some more fantastical scenes and it will be spectacular.
This is one messed up love triangle like none I've ever witnessed before.
I've been considering writing a post dedicated to the dreaded holiday coming up on Saturday. We'll see if I'm in an emotional enough mood between now and then to really do what I've been thinking. I work 4pm to midnight that day, so I guess I have an excuse to say that I have plans. Bleh.
Since I've been quite stuck on this play business and trying to find a way to fix some of the holes in the narrative, I decided to stick to the advice that John Wilder gave me three years ago: step outline.
A step outline is where you break down your story scene by scene, moment by moment, so that way when you go to write the story will flow freely and orderly. I did not do this the first time around with this script, which is probably why the holes exist. So I spent about an hour writing the step outline for the play. Having a summarized whole in front of me helped me see what needed filling. I then spent another hour making notes and writing outlines for scenes that could be added and giving more complications to the story. I think I fixed it. I think it will work. Now I just need to add some more fantastical scenes and it will be spectacular.
This is one messed up love triangle like none I've ever witnessed before.
I've been considering writing a post dedicated to the dreaded holiday coming up on Saturday. We'll see if I'm in an emotional enough mood between now and then to really do what I've been thinking. I work 4pm to midnight that day, so I guess I have an excuse to say that I have plans. Bleh.
10 February 2009
Love Me Dead
Right, so, Elizabeth sent me her critique of my play back. And she had some good things to say and there are some serious holes that I need to deal with.
One of these is the love story. She said that they jump from not in love to in love too quickly and adding in a scene or two would be helpful.
The only problem is that I've been in love a few times. No one has ever loved me back. I don't even know where to start on finding that kind of scene. What happens between knowing you love someone and then knowing the other person loves you too? How do I write something that I've never known before? Jane Austen did it several times, but she left it up to the audience's imagination to decide what was said or not said. And it works because it's a novel, but this is a play.
Yeah, I'm lost.
One of these is the love story. She said that they jump from not in love to in love too quickly and adding in a scene or two would be helpful.
The only problem is that I've been in love a few times. No one has ever loved me back. I don't even know where to start on finding that kind of scene. What happens between knowing you love someone and then knowing the other person loves you too? How do I write something that I've never known before? Jane Austen did it several times, but she left it up to the audience's imagination to decide what was said or not said. And it works because it's a novel, but this is a play.
Yeah, I'm lost.
06 February 2009
AAAAGGGHHHHHH
I don't think I've ever felt this much pain before. I want to rip out my sciatic nerve and throw it in the trash. I can barely walk.
05 February 2009
kindness of friends, love of God
Terribly sorry to anyone who has missed me either on here or in comments. My life got much more interesting this last week in the form of Santa Barbara, President's Ball and a mischievous puppy. Said puppy is Tyler's dog, who chewed through my power cable, leaving me semi-computer less until the one I purchased from eBay finds it's way through the circuits of the postal service and into my arms. This also means that I cannot finish my grad school apps b/c my essays are on my dead computer and I can't plan my trip to the East Coast until I apply and set up an interview with Boston U, which means I can't request work off yet. The only thing I can do is write my fundraising letter for my Ireland trip.
I confess, I do like the break from worrying about grad school things. Once you accept that you are completely powerless to change something, it's almost freeing. Maybe God was giving me a gift of freeing me from worry for a few days. Why can I not do this with everything else in my life?
I ruined my back while in Santa Barbara. I went for a run on the beach and ran too much. Now my sciatic nerve is causing hell and my butt muscles rarely stop their spasmatic rhythms. Stretching, ice packs, heating pads, pain killers, they help. But then when you wake up in the morning, you have to start all over again because sleeping makes it worse.
Sunday I had had lunch with Elizabeth, one of my favorite people in the whole world! We talked about my play, what works well, what doesn't work well. We talked about life and grad school and our first theatre roles, the awful children who taunted us in elementary school. We talked about other things too that gave me things to think about and a spark of that unrelenting power of hope. However, this particular spark is not worth dwelling on, for it is another thing I cannot control.
Back to the dog - when I told Tyler's parents that their cute little dog chewed my power cable, they immediately offered to buy it for me and when I told them that the nearest Apple store was in Thousand Oaks, they gave me moeny and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so blown away my their kindness. They have always been so generous and hospitable to me. I'm not used to it. I'm used to being the one to give that to other people. I think God is teaching me how to accept kindness. I think he's trying to show me that I don't have to be bitter and cynical against the whole human race as a selfish and ungrateful people and by showing me that, he wants me to see that his Love is a gazillion times bigger than that.
Another thing relating to this was going to President's Ball. I asked Tyler to ride along with him to campus. He commented at some point that night before we picked up the girls, that he thought it was funny because now he was taking three girls to the dance when he initially asked one. I pointed out that he was in fact not taking me, he was just giving me a ride. He then went on a rant about how people make the whole date to a dance thing too big of a deal, when it's just about having fun and enjoying the company of others. I agreed with him, but I did not say so. Because I didn't know what to say. After some reflection I understood it to be relating to this same problem of letting other people love me. To me, saying that he was taking me to the dance, that meant something...something in the way that I was more important than a shadow following him into a dance, more than a graduated resemblance of a person who once sang, danced, prayed, cried in that Gym, more than just along for the ride. I mattered as a person and his friend. I didn't say anything at the time because the emotion was too strong to understand. I want to be able to let grace, mercy, and kindness in from others, but I'm so afraid. I'm so used to taking my battle stance and fighting my demons on my own.
So there's a nice long post for you.
I confess, I do like the break from worrying about grad school things. Once you accept that you are completely powerless to change something, it's almost freeing. Maybe God was giving me a gift of freeing me from worry for a few days. Why can I not do this with everything else in my life?
I ruined my back while in Santa Barbara. I went for a run on the beach and ran too much. Now my sciatic nerve is causing hell and my butt muscles rarely stop their spasmatic rhythms. Stretching, ice packs, heating pads, pain killers, they help. But then when you wake up in the morning, you have to start all over again because sleeping makes it worse.
Sunday I had had lunch with Elizabeth, one of my favorite people in the whole world! We talked about my play, what works well, what doesn't work well. We talked about life and grad school and our first theatre roles, the awful children who taunted us in elementary school. We talked about other things too that gave me things to think about and a spark of that unrelenting power of hope. However, this particular spark is not worth dwelling on, for it is another thing I cannot control.
Back to the dog - when I told Tyler's parents that their cute little dog chewed my power cable, they immediately offered to buy it for me and when I told them that the nearest Apple store was in Thousand Oaks, they gave me moeny and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so blown away my their kindness. They have always been so generous and hospitable to me. I'm not used to it. I'm used to being the one to give that to other people. I think God is teaching me how to accept kindness. I think he's trying to show me that I don't have to be bitter and cynical against the whole human race as a selfish and ungrateful people and by showing me that, he wants me to see that his Love is a gazillion times bigger than that.
Another thing relating to this was going to President's Ball. I asked Tyler to ride along with him to campus. He commented at some point that night before we picked up the girls, that he thought it was funny because now he was taking three girls to the dance when he initially asked one. I pointed out that he was in fact not taking me, he was just giving me a ride. He then went on a rant about how people make the whole date to a dance thing too big of a deal, when it's just about having fun and enjoying the company of others. I agreed with him, but I did not say so. Because I didn't know what to say. After some reflection I understood it to be relating to this same problem of letting other people love me. To me, saying that he was taking me to the dance, that meant something...something in the way that I was more important than a shadow following him into a dance, more than a graduated resemblance of a person who once sang, danced, prayed, cried in that Gym, more than just along for the ride. I mattered as a person and his friend. I didn't say anything at the time because the emotion was too strong to understand. I want to be able to let grace, mercy, and kindness in from others, but I'm so afraid. I'm so used to taking my battle stance and fighting my demons on my own.
So there's a nice long post for you.
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