broken and beautiful

This lovely little creature was on my car's hood today. It was lying on its side, its wings a little worse for wear. I helped it stand up with an index card I dug out of my glove box. Broken, but beautiful. A little bit like me.

I left it in a eucalyptus tree next to the parking lot before I drove away. I don't know how long it will stay alive. But that's the way life is. We're born, we die, we live somewhere in between. Spreading creativity and beauty as best we can.

they're here

When I was a kid, I used to think that when I couldn't find my parents that the rapture had happened without me. Now in kid time, 30 seconds can seem like several minutes. I used to be truly terrified that I was left behind and would have to fend for myself.

Today this fear manifested itself in a different way. I am currently in Redlands at my mom's house, waiting for my mom to get off work. Once she arrives, our plan is to have lunch and then spend the afternoon at Disneyland. She said she would be here by noon, and it is now 12:36pm. I thought, "I wonder what's keeping her?" Instead of something logical, like something at work taking too long, or Thanksgiving traffic, etc, my mind immediately goes to Zombie Apocalypse.

Which then, I jumped directly to deciding on what my survival strategy is. Weapon resources: limited, my mom does not own a firearm, nor any large butcher knives. However, there might be a shovel or a pitchfork in the shed. Done. Transportation: I have my car, but only a quarter tank of gas. I would need to go into town to fill up. This might be tricky depending on how quickly the virus has spread.

Because I'm me, I would want to get as far away from the action as possible, because I don't know how capable I would be to fend off the zombies. But I've never gone camping, we don't have any camping gear, though there are a couple of sleeping bags. I wouldn't want to head back to Santa Clarita because Santa Clarita is a death trap being so close to LA and there aren't a lot of options for where you can go. North or south. Actually, going to the Santa Paula/Fillmore Valley might not be a bad idea. There's a lake and it's remote enough that you have to travel by car to get there.

Nevermind, she just pulled up the driveway.

Let the Rain by Sara Bareilles

This song feels the way life has felt lately.
---------------------------
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

Flesh-Eating Tigers

I saw a play tonight that did everything that I had wanted to accomplish with Love Me Dead.

It blew me away. The writing was so perfect, the characters perfectly imperfect, and the structure so very non existent. Wonderful. I can't help but feel a little jealous that she did so much in those 75 minutes of glorious complex vague words, but I also know that the writer probably has had more life experience than I have ever. So I guess that part makes sense. At least if we're going to believe the mantra of writing what you know.

And yet, I'm currently writing a zombie movie.
Which doesn't fit with that theory.
What is life but a bunch of theories to be explored?

cats

Do you ever think it weird when cats stare at you when you walk across a room? They never move their eyes, only their heads. Sitting perfectly still, with a tail wrapped around their feet, and only the head moves. Are they a secret spy for the KGB here to watch my every move?

Jane vs the World

Sometimes I fancy my life is not so different from Jane Austen's.

She had her flirtations (Tom Lefroy, though there are likely others) and so have I (Matt and Matt).
She settled on a younger man, then changed her mind (Harris Bigg-Wither) and so did I (Darren).
She made her own clothes, and so do I.
The Mysterious Suitor-by-the-Sea, well, nothing can quite match that story.

Cassandra only mentions in her later years that Jane met (and maybe loved?) a charming man in Devonshire who "made it plain he should seek them out again." But he died before he could. Cassandra also burnt half of Jane's letters when her sister died. Any mention of him from Jane's hand is most certainly gone.

You know, I fancy this similarity also because life is just life. She published anonymously and amounted to not very much in the public eye, because they only knew her as "A Lady." She dedicated herself to her family and to the poor, and I find that admirable. She and her sister spent a great deal of time teaching Chawton Village's children how to read and write.

And yet she was sharper and crueler than anyone I know. Puns involving "Rears and Vices." Or perhaps this little piece of work from Persuasion:

The real circumstances of this pathetic piece of family history were, that the Musgroves had had the ill fortune of a very troublesome, hopeless son; and the good fortune to lose him before he reached his twentieth year; that he had been sent to sea because he was stupid and unmanageable on shore; that he had been very little cared for at any time by his family, though quite as much as he deserved; seldom heard of, and scarcely at all regretted, when the intelligence of his death abroad had worked its way to Uppercross, two years before.
He had, in fact, though his sisters were now doing all they could for him, by calling him "poor Richard," been nothing better than a thick-headed, unfeeling, unprofitable Dick Musgrove, who had never done anything to entitle himself to more than the abbreviation of his name, living or dead.

That's about as close as you can get to calling someone an outright Dickhead in Regency England.

Or how about this:

Mrs Hall of Sherborne was brought to bed yesterday of a dead child, some weeks before she expected, ow[e]ing to a fright. I suppose she happened unawares to look at her husband.

Ouch. Cruel indeed.

Even though I feel as though I identify with this woman of two centuries ago, I have a feeling she wouldn't like me. I think she is too shrewd, too sharp, too particular, that I would not be welcomed into her graces easily. Perhaps if I did something kind for her brother.

Hmm. I must remember this once I perfect my time machine. Or steal the TARDIS.

My mind has wandered to another random pondering. Do we fancy ourselves writers for writing on a blog? Everyone has a blog these days. I have more than one. I am not alone in this. Do we really think that we write well enough to spread our thoughts among the masses?

Perhaps that's why I don't openly share this blog on facebook. Hah.

That's all for tonight, before my sickly head explodes. There is no cumulative point expressively laid out in fine poetical American English nor in a proper narrative fashion. Just me, and my strange train of thought.

Good night, fair world.

oh, little ol' me

I'm just a messed up girl
who thinks too much
and likes talking about emotions
but I rarely do so aloud.
So I guess that means I think too much there too.

Most of all, I want to connect with people.
I want love. To have love: give love.
That's what we must do.
Fill up and overflow.

I'd love to wander down that street. I imagine it's Paris. Oh, to be in Paris once more! To be in Paris and just be. Be outside a sidewalk café with un cafe et une crème brûlée. Except I don't drink un café. I'd rather have une tasse de thé.

you just can't count on people

It's a cliche, but it's kind of true. And kind of isn't.

You can't count on friends to give you what you need (and how are they to know what you need in the first place?).
You can't count on flirtatious texting.
You can't count on your mattress to stay fluffy.
You can't count on returned phone calls.
You can't count on your family to always be understanding.

I think this kind of contemplation is a little disheartening, more because I feel like it's a reflection on me, and perhaps less on my fellow humanity (because, of course, it's all about me). I say this because I'd like to think that I am the sort of person that people can count on to be there, to call, to encourage, to...anything. But, I do mess up. I say the wrong thing occasionally. Or the awkward thing. I couldn't be everything he wanted me to be.

The only one you can count on is God. And sometimes he seems more like an invisible friend than anything else. But he's not. He's real. And knowing that, is truly a gift.

omg shoes

I sucked in my breath and whispered "epiiiic" to myself when I saw these.

I <3 turquoise. You can find these on ModCloth, but they are unfortunately sold out.

what? WHAT???

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

More on this later
(that means we need a coffee date, Diana)

same ol' same ol'

I've been reading through some past blogs. I seem to write about the same things over and over again. Am I actually growing and learning, or am I just rehashing my crazy issues about how to relate to the world?

blech

I think I might be a strange combination of Summer and Tom from (500) Days of Summer.

Tom characteristics: hopeless romanticism, obsessed with falling in love, inability to actualize inner feelings

Summer characteristics: inability to fall in love

refashionista

Made By Lex is my new favorite blog.

It's all about fashion, design, and sewing. If you go to the left sidebar, there's a "refashion" button that takes you to all the posts with tags that show you how to resew old clothes into awesome clothes. I feel very inspired by it! There's also the "daily wear" button where she occasionally posts pictures of what she is wearing. Such great fashion sense! Go check it out.

I hope it's gonna make you notice

But you can't see right through me. You probably can't see Me at all. Even radiation can't penetrate the walls around this heart. It's probably why I feel so lonely.

It's an x-ray pin up calendar. Which is pretty damn amazing.

but hope that there is a you...

This song, by Sara Bareilles, has been in my head far too much as of late.
It's all made of my own devices.
----------------------------------------------
Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain

Sip on the southern rain
As I do, I don't look, don't touch, don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me, to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary suicide
Oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

"I don’t drink wine from wine glasses."

I wrote a whole page of crap in Microsoft Word. It's basically me just ranting in a particular writing style. Maybe I'll make it into a story or a play or a screenplay. But now that I've gone and said that, I'll lay too many expectations at its doorstep and nothing will come of it.

One Sweet Love

Some days I wake up with a song stuck in my head. It's usually an indication of the state of my soul. This morning it's "One Sweet Love" by Sara Bareilles. If I actually lived according to my feminist ideals, that song would not be haunting me as of late. I am full of contradictions.

"A nameless face to think I see to sit and watch the waves with me, til they're gone."

LMAO

Sarah posted this on facebook. It's too amazing.

the Germans capitalize all their nouns

Punctuation and capitalization heavily influences my writing style (including my poetry), and I thought it might be nice to explain my how I use capitalization. Though this may be something commonly deciphered. Oh well.

Here are two examples:

you - referring to the other, more intimate than the use of "they." Can be either singular or plural. I like clarifying the singular and plural in my poetry, specifically.
You - pretty much always God, the ultimate other being.

love - an emotion that is inexplicable but often expresses an attachment to someone/something
Love - the ultimate love that encompasses emotion and action into the best of anything and everyone that exists in the universe. This love is the love I constantly yearn for, sometimes feeling it physically at the core of my being.

Is this silly? Maybe. But there something symbolic to me about capitalizing a word.

Dear Internet Void,

How are you? I am doing well. I'm hoping you can answer a question for me: What is the "Real World" like? I've heard about it my entire life, but have yet to really understand where to find it. For example, when something disappointing happens, people will dryly say, "Welcome to the Real World." Or when people talk about graduating college, they talk about when they are "out in the Real World." Yet, despite an apparent assumption that there is an underlining universal understanding of the Real World, I have yet to encounter a satisfying description of it.

Most explanations of the Real World come from my extensive viewings of films, but I'm not sure if that is an accurate source for discovering the Real World. It is much more difficult to trust other people than what is often suggested on screen. I cannot identify with the Wealthy Successful Protagonist Who Is Handsome. Film cannot capture the depths of loneliness.

What I experience of life is so different from film and books, but what I know of life does not match this mythical idea of Real World. I often wonder why we make the decisions we do, especially when Time is fleeting, yet we spend most of our lives complaining about being either too busy or too bored.

If the Real World is mythical, and I have a certain view of the world, but ultimately I wish for the Real World to be like something else in order to exist in that kind of Real World, then where have I gotten myself to? Another illusion of reality?

With a year of graduate school come and gone, I wonder what life I hold in my hands? I was not the person I wanted to be. These walls around my heart kept me from reaching for the new, rather, I longed for the old things that are no longer mine.

I wish that the Real World could look a little bit more like Love.

David Tennant

Definitely my new actor crush.

Doctor Who is on Netflix instant.
Hamlet (RSC!) is available online through PBS.
It's been a while since I've seen someone who looks that good in a suit.

Currently watching all three hours of the adaptation of Hamlet, but I must say that all I can think of is Sassy Gay Friend. Which then prompts me to laugh in the middle of his "to be or not to be" speech. Epic fail.

Bählamms Fest by Olga Neuwirth

That is the title of the opera I am to design in the spring. So exciting!!

Here is the only description I can find of the opera:
"It's impossible to summarise the action except to say that bizarre, horrific things happen: lambs and a shepherd get their heads ripped off, animals speak, and one of the main characters is seduced by her husband's brother, Jeremy, who just happens to be half man, half wolf (though which half is which is never made clear). The cast list contains roles for a spider, a bat, a cooked goldfish, the skeleton of a rat, and Henry the Dog. It is a typically surrealist dream world, whose sheer strangeness and compelling dramatic pacing are vividly evoked in Neuwirth's music. Her aural imagination has always seemed exceptional, and here the webs of sound with which she surrounds the voices (which speak as much as they sing conventionally, and are frequently subjected to various electronic enhancements) are compelling. The ensemble writing for 21 players also includes a prominent part for the Theremin, the early electronic instrument, now almost extinct, which was given immortality by the Beach Boys on Good Vibrations. Here its unearthly timbres lend yet more sense of dislocation to many of the textures in the opera."

Here is a clip of the music:

Werewolves

Bianca and her boyfriend, Steve, watched New Moon this evening and I dared to join them. I suggested Rifftrax as exemplified above, but they said no. Unfortunately.

New Moon was significantly better than Twilight, which is saying a lot. I think that the best way to sum up the movie is to quote Steve: "Wait, did she just say, 'I love you, don't make me choose, because it'll always be him'? What a cunt!!"

There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Stephanie Meyer is teaching the next generation of women to find their only worth and value in the love men give them and thereby reverse the advances of 50 years of feminism by making such a disastrous female the heroine of a poorly devised narrative.

Seriously, if more young women out there would read Jane Austen, they might learn a thing or two about life and love before they throw themselves at the first shiny vampire they meet.

job hunting

I've been going around to all the restaurants in Valencia looking for a job. I hate job hunting, but it must be done. I must pay my rent.

I hope that something works out soon because I feel very restless. And living in a house where half the people are gone and most of my friends from CalArts are gone, I'm starting to feel lonely. I need to get in the habit of calling people soon or I'm going to get very lonely and depressed and that's never a good thing.

I watched Moulin Rouge last night. It provided an odd emotional reaction for me this time around. While I was moved, at the same time all I could think was "well, that kind of love doesn't exist." Am I turning cynical? Have I become jaded by my bad love experiences (or rather the lack of good ones)? Le sigh.

but I want to go to Brighton!!

I just watched a silly teen angst movie that's set in the UK. And I swear that they filmed in Herne Bay, where I stayed when I was in Kent for three weeks during England Semester. But I'm also very sure that they filmed in Brighton.

This little fact peaked my interest in Brighton. And I've discovered that it's quite the bustling city. Full of art and Fringe Festival goodness.

Which means I must move there. I want to live in the UK and I want to live by the ocean. Brighton is the answer. Now if only I could finish my degree long distance, everything would be swell.

opera

They told me what the opera is to be.

And it includes:
dysfunctional families
ritual slaughterings
sexual perversion
werewolves
the waking of the dead


I was wrong. The opera is going to be bloody fantastic. I need to learn to trust Ellen's judgment a little more.

inordinancy

"This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy. They were arrogant and this was abominable in God's eyes." Ezekial 16:49

Oh God, that we would recognize our prosperous standard of living and humble ourselves to help those in need. Let us recognize the sin of Sodom in our society.

wrestling on the beach is fun

My arm hurts.

fin

Mid-residency review today. Let's hope Ellen doesn't dash all my hopes and dreams and crush my spirit. I doubt she will, but there's always that tiny sliver of negativity that likes to sneak in there.
I'm just so excited that this year is over and done with. Now I just need a job.

SANTA BARBARA TODAY!!

Di, are you still living there? We should hang out if you are. I'm bringing a couple of new found friends from CalArts with me and I'm going to show them the town. Wheee!!

which is it

Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it

tear down this wall

I am, as of late, realizing how many walls I've built up around me and through me, to the point where I cannot move. I am not Lynne when I am at this school because I do not share my full and true self with very many people. There is not much truth remaining in the stony version of me. It's no wonder I feel so alone when I do not reach out to others myself. I'm just scared is all, because I care too much about what they think. I'm scared of getting hurt...again. The healing is so hard and so arduous. Yet what is life, but suffering? If I were the honest version of myself, I would just love. That's it. Love.

Why have I been so down lately? I can't figure out my own heart. I feel very lost.

*$^%*##*%^#&@^*@$@*#

I didn't want the opera and she gave me the opera. I think she did it to spite me or something. I wanted to do Desire Under the Elms with Zoe and Liz.

I guess this means I'll be putting a lot of heart and soul into a Coffeehouse piece in the fall.

all I know is Love will wake me up

Dear Elise Witek,
I know that we never hung out that much when we were in the English and Theatre programs in college, but I love your music and I perpetually have "All I Know" stuck in my head because that song is me. I am many times over tempted to post lines from that song as my facebook status, but then I remember that that might be weird. I hope you keep writing and producing new work because I will most certainly buy those future albums.

Sincerely,
Lynne

without these, I would've just died alone, poor, and starving in a ditch

I have new glasses. Do you like them? I think they make me look like a 1950's nerd, which is certainly more awesome than my old black ones.
Praise God that someone a long time ago invented eyeglasses (and contacts!) because I would be helpless without them.

I flit and float through time and space, searching and hungering for a glimpse of Love, Real Love. Let's fly away to L'Paris and find our shadows in the cobblestones.

Thanks friends, for making me feel normal again.
Then stop focusing on feeling so damn alone.
It's after three in the morning, so I should really just sleep.
Maybe it'll be better in the morning.
----------
4:36am
I can't seem to sleep though because there is this one thought that is bothering me. God is supposed to be able to do everything, but he can't physically hold me in his arms.

Kiss Me, Kate

Diana posted this on facebook and it's so worth sharing on the bloggity mcbloggerton blog. Enjoy!

WHY???

Rwoar

You Scored as Simba You are Simba! You've suffered immense hardships, but you can see the larger picture, realizing that there is light at the end of the tunnel as long as you continue on. Family and best friends are sacred to you and you would leap to defend them at any time, at whatever cost. You also have a tendency to be sentimental, sometimes allowing your emotions to supercede your better judgement. And yet, at other times, you're not enough in tune with your emotions. You need to find an equal balance between faith and logic. You're still great, though, overall! Simba 75% Nala 71% Mufasa 71% Sarabi 61% Pumbaa 57% Rafiki 54% Zazu 54% Ed 46% Timon 39% Scar 25%

Ecclesia

New posts on my other blog! Reeeeaaad theeemmmmm.

Christ is Risen Indeed!

Hallelujah!

a poem for no one

The moon shines brightly on my head tonight.
I look out from my balcony into a valley I do not hold dear,
Because that notch I love is far and away.
Where there are waters and sands and hills.
The stars are the same, even if they illuminate less.

The stars are the is because they were, are, and continue to be and
Still were placed and named by the
Eternal Is, Was, Will Be who knows the secrets of the skies
We've only begun to know.

I've only begun to know
My heart and yours'.
There are years ahead of this precious Life gift.
The Gifts that throttle you back and forth
Are the Gifts worth getting.
Apparently.

What is this ever-present waiting sensation?
Where all [pronoun] do is say "Let's go"
But stay rooted to the shoes and the almost dead tree.
If I were stronger then I would let you go.
But I haven't found anyone that surpasses
the laughter and the philosophical escapades.

I remember Orion's journey across the sky.
From nine to one it tickled my insides.
On cold nights he wakes and every sighting
Searches what is left of this heart of mine.
We are so fragile.
Maybe one day, I'll let You in.

all that you wish to leave behind

I think my instability could possibly be measured in how I feel when I am not constantly surrounded by people or things to do. These moments alone frighten me. For I am scared of being alone.

If I could move to San Francisco
or Chicago
or London
tomorrow...
I would.


Thanks to everyone who made my spring break unbelievably fun and wonderful :D

le sigh

I don't know why I thought that would turn out better than it did.

You know, I made a joke in Love Me Dead about the song "Breaking Up is Hard to Do," but it really really is. Now that I have, my insides hurt. Like I'm going to cry or vomit or both. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but there is a feeling of grief and loss that is beginning to overwhelm me.
I've hurt like this before, and I know it will eventually pass, but it still sucks. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'm not sure if it's the loss of feelings of attachment or the fear that I hurt him. Either way, I feel like shit.

I think I need to avoid facebook for a while, otherwise it will eat away at me to read those status updates.

all I ever wanted

photo credit

novel ambitions

So now that I've decided what my life would ideally look like as ordered by MBTI, perhaps I should figure out what the narrative would be for my life as a Jane Austen novel? Too nerdy? Yeah, probably too nerdy. Also, this sort of time consuming activity is best done when I'm not up to my ears in costume design homework.

I have officially tried Easy Mac: the Alfredo edition and I have to say, it's not the worst thing in the world one could eat for a nearly midnight snack. It tastes exactly like regular Easy Mac, but if made with white cheese instead of cheddar. It doesn't really taste much like Alfredo at all.

my life as MBTI

If I could order my life around personality typing, I would.

My best friends would be INFJs and ENFPs.
My roommate would be an ENFP.
I would marry an INFP.
Anyone whose's -N-J would make a great colleague.
ENFJs, ENTJs, ENTPs, ESFJs, ISFJs, ISFPs, and including the above mentioned would be included in my circle of friends.
I would love to learn from a (stable) INTJ.
I would stay away from the ESFPs, as they usually disappoint me.
And I'll probably avoid an ISTP at all costs. We wouldn't understand each other at all.

I'm not giving up on greener grasses.


I'm so sorry, because I know that's not what you'll want to hear.

busy

Photo credit

I think I have a perpetual headache and eyeache. My eyes feel dry and tired and whenever I look in the mirror, they look it. I need to buy more microwavable meals so that way I'll eat better. I have vegetables in the fridge, but I don't really have the time to slice, dice, and cook them.

I'm trying to get enough sleep. But I'm not sure if I'm really at peace when asleep or if I'm just knocked out from each day's stress and going going going.

It's February. It's the first time I'll actually have a Valentine. I'm still going to hand out my traditional St. Valentine absolution. Mostly because this group of MFAs hasn't seen the glory of saintly Valentine cards.

My film needs extras, email me if you're interested.

usness

This was my verification word for posting a comment on Diana's blog. "usness"

What is "usness?" Is it the sense of you and I are us and here we are as us? Can we say "we have usness" or...? Perhaps there should be an "e" -- as "e" is often forgotten (mostly with my name) -- but insert this neglected "e" near the middle until this usness is useless.

Is usness useless? But if we contemplate utility in the matter of usness, we most certainly will miss the point of usness.

shit shit shit shit shit

News: US supreme court ruled in favor of unlimited corporate funding in political campaigns.

Which means we're all screwed. Because now the politicians will tell us everything that the corporations want us to hear. Because now our votes and our voices won't really matter anymore. The country will become like Idiocracy. And it won't take 500 years to get there.

never resting, never content

Can I please go back? I promise I'll be good this time. I'd give anything for that accent to roll cleanly off my tongue. There's too much to do that I simply did not do anything today. Well, I did draw a picture of a knight. Does that count?
All I can think about is all of the reasons why I want something else.
But then I remember
...and so I do nothing.

Jane Austen knew her shit

"The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it."

I'm afraid I will have to agree with our dear friend, Miss Eliza Bennet. I have had a habit as of late to watch documentaries online through Netflix. Food Inc. and Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story are two recent ones. Both of which make the point that corporate CEOs have basically taken over the government. In the realm of fiction, I watched Idiocracy with Darren. I don't even know what to say about that one, it's quite scary how prophetic it could be.

Sometimes it makes me wish that America's economy would just collapse already, like it's been threatening to do. Yeah things would be bad, but then maybe we'd really be free -- without a bureaucracy dangling the keys to the mythical American Dream.

What's that? Not a good idea you say?
Oh, okay then.

I'll just go dig myself into a deeper educational debt hole and wait it out.

Over a year and half

Since.
Commencement.
Graduation.

Graduation into what?

My brain has turned to mush.
I live day to day, week to week, barely thinking.
Not the way I used to.
And yet exactly the way I used to.
Before Westmont.

The words simmer under a surface, yet struggle to get out.

In the end
I just feel stupid
And
Uncreative


Maybe I'm just lazy, because I have to practice in order to communicate
Better

And if I am just lazy, then I have become someone I hate.
Always asking what can I do to get by
Never reading the newspaper
Always wanting to look a certain way
Never having enough things

I do not want to be a product of this America, yet I can feel its claws sinking into my skin.

Is it possible to live in such a way that I don't care what other people think of me? If you know how, please tell me.


I want to write more. Not just on this silly thing, but really write. What is it that I have to offer to this world?
I think I've completely forgotten.

I want my life to feel magical.

Far away, far away
I wanna go far away
To a new life on a new shoreline
Where the water is blue
And the people are new
To another island
In another life
----------------
Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Far Away
via FoxyTunes

car

awesome.

that is all.

The Section Quartet

I have a new favorite band.



This is The Section Quartet. 2 violins, a viola, and a cello. I discovered them by watching the film Whip It! (which btw is an excellent coming of age story. Ellen Page is fantastic as always). I simply loved the score to the film and was delightfully surprised to discover that it was a group, not just a person. Their album "Fuzzbox" is a compilation of covers of rock bands, to sum up. Hope you enjoy the video.